And to think I actually wanted one of these

It's October 31 and I have no disguise - not that I need one or got invited to any Halloween parties. Still, I did a little research and here's what I discovered: However neato I once thought these plastic costumes to be, as it turns out, they're actually embarrassingly horrible.

For when an old bed sheet just won't do.


Thumbs down. Very uncool.


The worst costume of all time? I didn't realize Cassius was a Vulcan.

Gay.

The real Grizzly Adams couldn't snort coke through nostrils this small.

Extra lame.

What's that Lassie? Timmy fell down the well because he was laughing so hard at your costume.

Would you believe I was named after this guy?

I pitty the fool who has to wear this.

Mapping & Tracking Hunger

A lot of people I know have Garmin GPS units that they use for training purposes while riding and running. That's all well and good, but due to the recent heightened political awareness of those (and when I say those, I mean everyone) around me, I thought I better get on the bandwagon and put my Garmin to better use rather than just utilizing it as a personal training tool. I'm not up on politics like I used to be, but it seems that I haven't heard much from either candidate about the issue of world hunger (unless you consider Sarah Palin's aerial wolf hunting as a solution for starvation instead of just sport). So, anyway, without further ado, I used my Forerunner 305 to map and track hunger in the Loma Linda/Redlands area.



Visualized in the map above, the hunger study took place over an approximate 90 minute period on Tuesday, October 14 between the hours of 6:00 and 7:30 PM. At an average moving speed of 14.7 mph, and an average heart rate of 120 bpm, I rode my bike from Loma Linda to Redlands and back, gaining 2,548 feet of elevation in just over 16 miles. Although the ride was not long or strenuous by any means, I was hungry the entire duration. Concluding the ride, at approximately 7:45 PM, I ate some ice cream and I was no longer hungry.

Next time you're hungry, I vote you eat some ice cream. No matter what the flavor, I doubt you'll be disappointed and you'll help put a dent in world hunger.

Ups For Daisy

So there’s this chick in the Bay Area named Daisy and she has a blog called Oopsie Daisy. I can’t remember whose blog I was reading and how it led me to her blog, but since my first visit, Oopsie Daisy was added to my favorites. I don’t read it a lot (and for the record I don’t even know what she looks like). Every couple of weeks I check it out and every time I do, I’m not disappointed. She possesses a sharp tongue, quick wit, and a rare sense of reality AND she puts my blog and most everyone else’s to shame. Not only that, she’s brilliant. Probably drinks too much, but still – brilliant. Cases in point; here are a few excerpts

"I was exhausted, starving, and in desperate need of a hug. Of course, you all know by now that when I say "a hug," clearly I mean "a beer."

"Ah, to be living proof that you can send your kid to the most expensive private schools in the city... Only to have to turn around and spend even MORE money on a Mormon reform school with alarms on the doors and solitary confinement rooms the size of a mattress."

"And to be honest though I do love bringing seemingly innocuous conversations to a screeching halt."

"She did give me a $6 credit for the inconvenience though. Which I am obviously going to use on a pie cookbook so that if and when she does show up at my building to investigate why it's full of curmudgeons who don't share, I have something to throw in her face."

"Which of course, the train immediately lurched, throwing me off balance. And how exactly did I steady myself? By reaching my hand out and grabbing a lesbian's ass. Hard. I excused myself with some lame joke about how no one should have to be felt up before 8:20 a.m., but to be honest; I will be extremely disappointed if she doesn't "missed connection" me later on Craigslist. I mean, if I can do anything well, ass-grabbing is it."

Anyway, I think you get the idea. I remember when I once had that youthful, intriguing, and uproarious literary zest.


Now back to my crappy blog about bikes

Here's me suffering at the cross race last weekend.


Here's me hating life at the cross race last weekend.


Here's (left to right) me, Ryder, & my dad after the cross race last weekend.

Aside from all the pain, suffering, sand, salt water, & me sucking at the cross race last weekend, it was really cool to have Ryder and my parents there. Every time I galloped over the barriers (no tripping this time) and hoofed it up the run-up, I could hear the ringing of Ryder's cowbell and accompanied by his joyous screams of, "Go daddy! Go daddy!" There's nothing crappy about that.

Dot owes me a new drivetrain & cables

I'd rather trip over 100 barriers than race the Celo Pacific Storm the Beach CX race again. Salt water? Beach sand? Bikes? Really? Dumb. Never again.

I've gone viral

Yep, that's me. Off the back and on the ground. Make sure you watch it with the sound turned up.



This pretty much sums things up lately.

My original Friday night plan was to go see The Tossers at the Las Vegas Renaissance Fair, but when reality set in, I opted for the SoCal Fair at the Lake Perris Fairgrounds. It's hard to pass up an event that's dubbed, "Cool Hogs & Hot Dogs." Plus, Joey got free tickets.

"Nevermind the massive bump on my forehead. Take me and Ryder to the fair!" demands Destry.


In some places they cockfight. In Perris, they race pigs* instead. Who doesn't love a pig race?


Joey and Destry rock out on the fake Dumbo ride.


I was sheepish to ride the high-speed bullet train, but Ryder was A-O-K with it.


Speaking of sheepish, this poor guy was a bit out of step. That's what I liked about him.*


Who doesn't love a fun house?


"Am I tall enough for the fun house?" asks Ryder.


"Yeah, I'm tall enough! I'm tall enough! Psst. Destry, you might want to stand on your tippy-toes"


Although slow for a kid who has already ridden Thunder Mountain and the Matterhorn, Ryder found great joy in the spinning platform. Joey**, on the other hand, managed to sprain his ankle stepping from platform to platform.


He sprained it so bad that Destry and Ryder had to help him down the stairs of the fun house. This time Meredith was along for the ride, so I didn't have to call her to explain the ankle injury. While we're on the subject of Big Hair, apparently she didn't get the memo when she dressed Destry in a navy blue sweatshirt.

The Inevitable Mention of Bikes, Bike Races, The Tossers, and/or Shane MacGowan

On Sunday there was a cross race in Palos Verdes so I drove alone to the race instead of car-pooling with Christie, Steve, and/or John Rubic. I don’t really hate the earth. I just needed some alone time. Sorry earth.

As it turns out, I needed some alone time on the way home too because I got freaking pummeled in the race. As I was getting pummeled I also managed to weave my rear derailleur into my spokes compliments of some sticks. Sheer brute force, anger, and some instruction from two spectators helped me bend the mangled component back so I was able to at least finish. Did I mention on the first lap I clipped an edge of a barrier and went down hard enough to twist my front brake hood around? It reminded me of Daffy Duck’s bill after catching shot gun pellets compliments of Elmer Fudd . I actually thought about that in the middle of the race.

There is a silver-lining in this story however. The Palos Verdes CX course is rough and rocky and suites a mountain bike well. Because of the terrain I learned that you can actually ride the piss out of a cyclocross bike as if it were a mountain bike. Turns out, those things can take quite a beating, so I guess I should ride it like a mountain bike and quit pussy-footing around. Better fitness wouldn’t hurt either.

*No sheep or pigs were harmed in the making of this blog.

**No Joeys were harmed in the making of this blog.

Gloatin' and Showboatin'

Friday night Ryder, Destry, Joey, Mer & I watched the Tossers' Gloatin' and Showboatin' DVD, which is a live St. Paddy's Day performance shot in their Chicago hometown. Wish we could have been there live, but the next best thing is watching it with the boys in the comfort of the Lanza's Great (big) Room.



Even though they cut the rug in bare feet, Destry, Ryder, & Mer's favorite song is Dancing Shoes.



While the boys and Mer danced the night away, Joey and I raised our bottles from side-to-side and celebrated Friday.



We raised a lot of bottles and celebrated Friday a lot. Too much in fact. BTW, don't drink and drive. You might spill your drink. Before you get behind the handlebar of a rocking motorcycle just stop and think...



Early the next morning Joey, Johnson, Joy, Shelli, some dude from Louisiana & I hit up South Fork and the Santa Ana River Trail. Obviously after all the celebrating I didn't feel 100 percent.



But, we got plenty of breaks because Johnson kept flatting.

On Sunday all the gloatin' and showboatin' came to an end as I proceeded to get my ass handed to me in a cross race.

I suppose I should post something, but not much is really going on.

I had a sandwich at Quizno’s last night. It was pretty good.

I’m doing another cross race this weekend. That should be pretty fun. And hurt a lot too.

For more than a week I’ve scanned the world wide web for a photo of me following Lance at Cross Vegas, but to no avail. I don’t get it. I stuck to his rear wheel like glue while doing my practice laps and the flashbulbs were going off like crazy. My search continues…

Speaking of Lance, if the Kaiser believes he can do it, well then, I have no choice but to believe it too.

Meanwhile, the City of Redlands doesn’t know what to do with the dying Redlands Mall. Normally I love malls, but it’s always been a sorry excuse for a mall.

It is nothing like the bustling Inland Center Mall

The Inland Center Mall was my home away from home for 5 and a half years.


Before my time.


The Central City Mall (Carousel Mall) has seen better times. We used to get dropped off at Central City and spend the day at the mall and across the E Street at Thrash and the Wind Jammer. Now it's just another dying mall.

Try to hold back the tears as you check out these sites about malls of yesteryear:

http://www.deadmalls.com/

http://www.mallsofamerica.blogspot.com/

Okay, I'm all outta words and I'm all outta angst.

I wonder what Ryder is doing right now?