Bill Gates, Rosie O'Donnell & 91 Freeway - Bad
Mark McGuire & San Antonio Riverwalk - Good
O.J. - ?

Before I left for San Antonio for the Kawasaki Dealer Meeting someone sent me an email with a nasty virus attached. It disabled my computer at work but I said, "Screw it, I'm going to Texas. I'll deal with it when I get back." While I was away I totally forgot about. I had other things to worry about, like whether or not the 13 racers scheduled to do four autograph signings, over two days, were going to show up on time. For the most part they did and only twice did I have to get on my cell phone to track down missing riders. And while Eric Bostrom, Tony Miering and Destry Abbott were off in down town San Antonio bowling (four games, each at under 100 points) I was stuck on the showroom floor for two days listening to questions like, "When will we see a new ZX-7R?" or "Who's going to ride the GP bike in Europe next year?"

The last night we were in town was actually pretty fun. Destry, Tony, Jason Smigel, Tommy Hayden and I had dinner down on the Riverwalk and then went over to Sunset Station to the Kawasaki Farewell Party and watched drunken dealers and co-workers make arses of themselves on several different dance floors. Jason, Tommy and Tony turned in early so Destry and I went back down to the Riverwalk and sat outside at an Irish Pub and had peanuts and a beer - all the while watching several drunk tourists swagger down the Riverwalk (dangerously close to the river's edge) trying to make it back to their hotel.

So I returned to an ill PC at work on Thursday and that bastard Bill Gates and Microsoft charge nearly $100 just to call the Microsoft Customer Service hotline. So I said, "Screw that and screw him," and called the 800-number for the manufacturer of my computer. After two days of phone calls, we finally got everything back in line. Apparently Microsoft could have taken care of me immediately, but I'm not adding to that monopoly anymore. I already can't stand
Bill Gates for this reason: I worked with a guy, who knew a guy (these kind of stories are great) who was a caddy at a golf course in Santa Barbara. Apparently Bill Gates golfed often and never - not once - tipped a caddy for his services. Meanwhile Mark MacGuire, who has always been very generous to various charities tipped very well and even O.J. (pre-murders) was a high tipper. I call for a Bill Gates boycott.

"And the rich eat you." - Jello Biafra from the Dead Kennedy's Trust Your Mechanic

Rosie's New Do Comes Out of the Closet
Nearly a year after Rosie O'Donnell shocked housewives across the nation by announcing that she is gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), she recently held a press conference to announce that she was throwing in the towel on her self-righteous magazine, Rosie. At the press conference O'Donnell stated, "I cannot have my name on a magazine if I cannot be assured that it will represent my vision and ideas." Translation: "If I can't appear on the cover of every issue of Rosie, no one can."
I can't decide which is more hilarious - the fact that Rosie felt compelled to hold a huge press conference as if the Washington Post or L.A. Times were going out of print or her fashionable new hair-do.

THE BEST & WORST OF THE 91 (Part 1)

Best sticker of contradiction: Bite Me City Girl, on the back of a very clean white Ford Ranger, which I doubt was headed into Orange County to buy blankets and feed for the long cold winter.

Best sticker to prove that you don't ride motorcycles but you think they're real cool: Anything Fox.

Best sticker to prove that you have no motorcycle skills what so ever: Got Sand?

Best silent plead for help: Billet aluminum receiver hitch covers that read, "Remove 4 River", which really mean, "I have a drinking problem."

Most fishy license plate frame: The Cod Father

Worst sticker/license plate frame that normally accompanies a big #3: I'm not speeding, I'm qualifying.

Best sticker of faith: "Don't let the car fool you. My treasure is in heaven", displayed on a trashed early '70's model El Camino.

Worst inside joke license plate frame: Monkeys steal my underwear at night.

Best way to scare off business: Rear window of a silver Honda Civic: Extensions & Braids by Ms. Deeds, www.shirleyshair.com. License plate frame of same car: I am a bitch so get out of my way.

Best environmental sticker: Save the planet. Kill yourself.

Best way to get a ticket: Solo female driver crosses over double yellow lines into the car pool lane. Coincidentally, the license plate frame on her white Honda Civic states, Librarians do it by the book.


I'm off to the 24 Hours of Adrenaline mountain bike race in Idyllwild, CA. Details later. . .
freemanrace@aol.com