QUOTE
“The bicycle has a soul. If you are able to love it as it deserves, it will give you emotions you will never forget.” – World Champion Italian cyclist, Mario Cipollini from December 2002 issue of Bicycling magazine.
Lucas Stiles wrote in:
1. What was Jacko’s most recent terrible mistake?
Hanging his six-month old son out a two-story window in Germany.
2. What was Lisa Marie Presley’s most terrible mistake?
Getting married to Jacko and kissing him on MTV.
3. Who said, “I’ve never had a problem with drugs. I’ve had problems with the police?” (A) Robert Downey, Jr. (B) Keith Richards (C) Shane MacGowan (D) Gary Busey.
Every one knows it’s (B), Keith Richards.
I think the only Internet pages I enjoy more than yours are Union Tribune and ESPN. Oh, and Google.
-Luke
We Have a Winner
The walking freak show that is Michael Jackson got everyone responding to my most recent contest and many of you responded correctly, however Lucas wins the new Goat sunglasses (courtesy of Goat Eyewear) because he complimented the website, although I have to question his passion for the San Diego Union Tribune because I’m quite familiar with the ramblings of Sports Editors Jerry Magee, Alan Drooz, Nick Canepa and Tim Sullivan and I’m not overly impressed with their editorial integrity. Of course, I’m assuming that Luke is speaking of the Tribune’s Sports department. Maybe he likes reading Anne Marie Welsh, the Union Tribune Theatre Arts Critic. Ouch! (That's for the Google comment.)
Actually, Luke was the first person to answer all three questions correctly. Even though Rick Daniel’s foul answer was most creative, I have to stick to the rules. “When do I get my loot?” Rick says. As soon as I get my custom Rickey Racer steel bicycle frame, buster!
Go to Goat Eyewear and see what Luke has to choose from.
All this talk of Michael Jackson reminds me of a particular game of Quarters I once had (I can’t remember with who. Let me know if you were in on this particular game of Quarters. I think Mark Martinez was there). Someone made the rule that after every drink, you had to stand up, sing a verse from a Jacko song and do a three-sixty, while side kicking up your heel (just like Jacko himself). You can only imagine the hilarity that ensued from this rule. That may have been the same game of Quarters Brandon Coatney ruled that all communication be made in an English accent. What bloody fun!
The Essential M's
It was called to my attention recently that my postings weigh heavily on bicycle stuff and lack a lot of other important subjects in life such as the Four Essential M's; Motorcycles, Music, Marathons and Mark (Foist). So, here it goes:
Mark: Mark left me a message requesting the time back in his life that it took him to search through the website, only to find zero mentions of his name (how vain). Actually, if Mark would have searched longer, he would have read that a few months ago I acknowledged the kickoff of his mid-life crisis, better known as his 40th birthday. Just an update - since kickoff Mark went to game seven of the World Series, purchased a Cooper Mini, ran the St. George Marathon in Utah and participated in the Hana Relay in Maui, although I'm not sure if he has ridden his bicycle lately. There Mark, an entire paragraph dedicated to you.
Marathons: In September Denise ran a 4:27 in the Maui Marathon (beating Oprah’s Chicago Marathon time). My sister Meredith and Natalie Hughes also ran the Maui Marathon and finished respectfully, although I don’t know their exact finish times. My Mom and Dad flew to Hawaii a week early, vacationed and helped out with the marathon. Now Denise has it in her crazy head that she’s going to run, the L.A. or Austin, TX Marathon early next year.
Motorcycles: Read about me and see pictures!
(How vain.)
In other motorcycle related news:
Dude, Mondays suck. Some b#%@*! ran a red light and hit me this morning. Fortunately she barely grazed my front tire and I didn't even drop the bike. Had I been a half-second quicker I don't even want to imagine the consequences... Now the KLR has twisted forks and needs a wheel truing, and of course she has no insurance. My uninsured motorist coverage on the bike is for medical only. My ride home tonight will be interesting...
-Trevor
Luckily Trevor wasn’t injured. Get this; the uninsured woman that hit him is new in town from Louisiana, the U.S. capital of Voodoo. Great. Just what we need, a bunch of uninsured Louisiana witches driving all over SoCal roadways practicing their Voodoo in the form of running red lights. I asked Trevor if she was driving a broomstick and he said, “No, she was driving a Hyundai.”
Music: Everyone’s favorite blue-collar band, Dropkick Murphys, known for their blend of old-school punk, Irish Folk, rock and hardcore sounds recently released a T-shirt that reads, “Support Your Local Piper.” I want one for Christmas (hint, hint). Mark Allen was the local bagpiper on Oakdale St. The way his bagpipes echoed through the neighborhood was so cool that I stopped whatever I was doing to listen until he was done playing. Most neighborhoods in Rialto had the sounds of gunshots and domestic disputes. On Oakdale we had bagpipes (and a few domestic disputes).
A Note From Nathan
Hey, I saw a bumper sticker today that said, "Let's play Cowboys and Iraqui's." Thought that was kind of funny.
-Nate
Okay, I'm done. Santa Ana River Trail on Thanksgiving morning at 7 a.m. if anyone is interested. Meet at the Ranger Station on the corner of Highway 38 and Bryant.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Freemanrace@aol.com
Nov 27, 2002
Nov 20, 2002
PRAY FOR AARON
Just when you think you are really getting to know someone, they throw a curve ball at you. That's what Aaron Gerth did on Tuesday night when he showed up for our weekly ride up Alpe Bluez with an ALUMINUM bike. Not only that, said bike was a FULL -SUSPENSION Trek Fuel (with disc brakes, no doubt) that he had borrowed from Neighbor Bob. When people dangerously experiment with multiple drugs and alcohol at the same time it's called speedballing. Aaron, a self proclaimed advocate for steel, (who I thought I knew well) is speedballing with full-suspension and aluminum. Some people like me or Trevor can handle such dangerous experimentation because we're of a generation that grew up on aluminum, full-suspension and carbon fiber. Still, I prefer to ride a hardtail over a full-suspension bike 99-percent of the time. Trevor, who works in the Information Services department for the county of San Bernardino owns a palm pilot, MP3 player and can speak computer talk that is way over my head, so he could accept that fact that Aaron showed up on a state-of-the-art ride. Rick and I wept and prayed for Aaron's salvation.
QUOTE
“Maybe the devil suddenly grabbed hold of your handlebar.” - Rick’s theory of how Trevor managed a nasty get-off while descending a reasonably smooth portion of Blue Mountain. The end result was a scraped up hip. Personally, I have to argue Rick’s theory. Eminem was nowhere near Blue Mountain last night.
QUOTE
“What day is Thanksgiving on?” - Trevor, which made us wonder if in addition to his hip, maybe he had hit his head too.
CONGRATS
To Paul G., who purchased a brand new Giant road bike and has already been riding it to work. It won't be long before Paul is smoking all those other non-road bike riders that we know on the mountian bike trails.
QUOTE
“Your troubles will cease and fortune will smile upon you.” - The message in my fortune cookie from today’s lunch, which is proof positive that the Peeking Noodle Co. should stick exclusively to making noodles and leave fortune telling to women named Madam Somethingorother.
CONTEST BUST
No Meredith, the answer to my stupid question is not Animal House. Nathan Hughes came closest to answering the contest question most accurately. Nathan answered, “Is the movie PCU? He concludes with the two of them in some movie together or something like that. I guess I need to research a little more.”
I’d say Nathan got 75-percent of the contest correct by naming PCU as the movie that contained the quote and the basis of the thesis. As Americans, you should all be ashamed of yourselves for not knowing the name of the movie that serves as the conclusion for Pigman’s Caine-Hackman Thesis. The movie is A Bridge Too Far, a friggin masterpiece of cinema about the botched Operation Market Garden in World War II. Operation Market Garden followed D-Day and was the Allied forces’ attempt to take control of three bridges over the Rhine River. If the plan (masterminded by the English) succeeded it was intended to defeat the Germans and put a rapid end to the war in Europe. The operation involved twice the number of troops than D-Day, and as I mentioned before the English came up with the plan, so naturally it failed. Historians say Operation Market Garden was destine to fail because it was a complex operation that required too many men, too much equipment and was orchestrated too many miles behind enemy lines, planned to take too many bridges. Hence the name, A Bridge Too Far.
The star-studded cast of The Thin Red Line couldn’t hold a candle to the cast of 1977’s A Bridge Too Far, which included Sean Connery, Anthony Hopkins, Robert Redford, James Caan, Ryan O’Neal, Laurence Olivier, Elliot Gould, and of course, Michael Caine and Gene Hackman.
A Bridge Too Far is significant for me because, for one, it’s a bad-ass movie. Two, I remember watching it on TV with my dad one night about two decades ago and the next day my Aunt Pam gave birth to my cousin Jack. Then, a few years after that my dad and I were watching it on TV again and the next day my Aunt Pam gave birth to my cousin Sarah. For my Aunt's sake, my dad and I don't watch the movie together any more.
Anyway, do what Robert Redford does in the movie. Get in a U.S. Army-issue portable rowboat in the middle of the night and row across the Rhine River while the Germans are bombing you and say, “Hail Mary full of grace,” about 500 times and you’ll be forgiven for not being familiar with the Caine-Hackman Theory.
Congratulations Nathan! You get 75-percent of a Pro Grip jersey.
NEW CONTEST
25-percent of a Pro Grip motorcycle jersey (just like the one that Stephane Peterhansel used to wear) and a pair of brand new Goat Sunglasses, compliments of Joey Lanza, to the first person that can answer the following questions:
1. What was Jacko’s most recent terrible mistake?
2. What was Lisa Marie Presley’s most terrible mistake?
3. Who said, “I’ve never had a problem with drugs. I’ve had problems with the police?” (A) Robert Downey, Jr. (B) Keith Richards (C) Shane MacGowan (D) Gary Busey
Freemanrace@aol.com
Just when you think you are really getting to know someone, they throw a curve ball at you. That's what Aaron Gerth did on Tuesday night when he showed up for our weekly ride up Alpe Bluez with an ALUMINUM bike. Not only that, said bike was a FULL -SUSPENSION Trek Fuel (with disc brakes, no doubt) that he had borrowed from Neighbor Bob. When people dangerously experiment with multiple drugs and alcohol at the same time it's called speedballing. Aaron, a self proclaimed advocate for steel, (who I thought I knew well) is speedballing with full-suspension and aluminum. Some people like me or Trevor can handle such dangerous experimentation because we're of a generation that grew up on aluminum, full-suspension and carbon fiber. Still, I prefer to ride a hardtail over a full-suspension bike 99-percent of the time. Trevor, who works in the Information Services department for the county of San Bernardino owns a palm pilot, MP3 player and can speak computer talk that is way over my head, so he could accept that fact that Aaron showed up on a state-of-the-art ride. Rick and I wept and prayed for Aaron's salvation.
QUOTE
“Maybe the devil suddenly grabbed hold of your handlebar.” - Rick’s theory of how Trevor managed a nasty get-off while descending a reasonably smooth portion of Blue Mountain. The end result was a scraped up hip. Personally, I have to argue Rick’s theory. Eminem was nowhere near Blue Mountain last night.
QUOTE
“What day is Thanksgiving on?” - Trevor, which made us wonder if in addition to his hip, maybe he had hit his head too.
CONGRATS
To Paul G., who purchased a brand new Giant road bike and has already been riding it to work. It won't be long before Paul is smoking all those other non-road bike riders that we know on the mountian bike trails.
QUOTE
“Your troubles will cease and fortune will smile upon you.” - The message in my fortune cookie from today’s lunch, which is proof positive that the Peeking Noodle Co. should stick exclusively to making noodles and leave fortune telling to women named Madam Somethingorother.
CONTEST BUST
No Meredith, the answer to my stupid question is not Animal House. Nathan Hughes came closest to answering the contest question most accurately. Nathan answered, “Is the movie PCU? He concludes with the two of them in some movie together or something like that. I guess I need to research a little more.”
I’d say Nathan got 75-percent of the contest correct by naming PCU as the movie that contained the quote and the basis of the thesis. As Americans, you should all be ashamed of yourselves for not knowing the name of the movie that serves as the conclusion for Pigman’s Caine-Hackman Thesis. The movie is A Bridge Too Far, a friggin masterpiece of cinema about the botched Operation Market Garden in World War II. Operation Market Garden followed D-Day and was the Allied forces’ attempt to take control of three bridges over the Rhine River. If the plan (masterminded by the English) succeeded it was intended to defeat the Germans and put a rapid end to the war in Europe. The operation involved twice the number of troops than D-Day, and as I mentioned before the English came up with the plan, so naturally it failed. Historians say Operation Market Garden was destine to fail because it was a complex operation that required too many men, too much equipment and was orchestrated too many miles behind enemy lines, planned to take too many bridges. Hence the name, A Bridge Too Far.
The star-studded cast of The Thin Red Line couldn’t hold a candle to the cast of 1977’s A Bridge Too Far, which included Sean Connery, Anthony Hopkins, Robert Redford, James Caan, Ryan O’Neal, Laurence Olivier, Elliot Gould, and of course, Michael Caine and Gene Hackman.
A Bridge Too Far is significant for me because, for one, it’s a bad-ass movie. Two, I remember watching it on TV with my dad one night about two decades ago and the next day my Aunt Pam gave birth to my cousin Jack. Then, a few years after that my dad and I were watching it on TV again and the next day my Aunt Pam gave birth to my cousin Sarah. For my Aunt's sake, my dad and I don't watch the movie together any more.
Anyway, do what Robert Redford does in the movie. Get in a U.S. Army-issue portable rowboat in the middle of the night and row across the Rhine River while the Germans are bombing you and say, “Hail Mary full of grace,” about 500 times and you’ll be forgiven for not being familiar with the Caine-Hackman Theory.
Congratulations Nathan! You get 75-percent of a Pro Grip jersey.
NEW CONTEST
25-percent of a Pro Grip motorcycle jersey (just like the one that Stephane Peterhansel used to wear) and a pair of brand new Goat Sunglasses, compliments of Joey Lanza, to the first person that can answer the following questions:
1. What was Jacko’s most recent terrible mistake?
2. What was Lisa Marie Presley’s most terrible mistake?
3. Who said, “I’ve never had a problem with drugs. I’ve had problems with the police?” (A) Robert Downey, Jr. (B) Keith Richards (C) Shane MacGowan (D) Gary Busey
Freemanrace@aol.com
Nov 13, 2002
The official press release stated, “Once on top of Alpe Bluez, it can get cold so bring appropriate clothing,” but for some strange reason Rick forgot to bring a jersey, much less a vest or arm warmers. Apparently he has joined the ever-growing list of people who have set up their email accounts to reject all messages from Freemanrace@aol.com.
Rick of all people should know how cold one can get on top of Blue Mountain because he’s been to the near-freezing summit at night almost as many times as I. Anything other than a jersey, vest or arm warmers and Rick would have probably had it in his gear bag. Had I needed a solder gun or a hydraulic jack for some reason, I bet he would have dug it out in no time.
Trevor’s excuse for leaving his jersey at home probably had something to do with getting preoccupied with the amount of air pressure in his tires. A reasonable excuse since he’s the unofficial King of flatting mountain bike tires. Fortunately for Rick and Trevor, I happen to have a surplus of old bicycle and motorcycle gear and was more than willing to set them up so we could get the ride underway. Rick wore a red Pro Grip motorcycle jersey and a red Acerbis vest – making him look like a cross between Stephane Peterhansel and Giovanni Sala. Trevor opted for a red short-sleeved Manitou jersey. Aaron, on the other hand came totally prepared even though he tried to convince us that he had forgotten his cleats. He’s tried to pull that stunt on me every single time we’ve ridden Blue Mountain so this time I didn’t buy it. All kidding aside, the three of them showed up with fire in their eyes and Alpe Bluez hate in their hearts, ready and willing to conquer the mountain.
The ride started off with a detour because whoever owns Blue Mountain fenced off the Palm St. entrance to the base of the mountain. Sad, since Grand Terrace advertises itself as “The Blue Mountain City.” Our detour took us up to Honey Hill and then down Westwood into Reche Canyon, where the climb began. It’s now obvious why the fence is up because the road heading up the mountain is very loose and sandy, which probably means they’ve been driving trucks and tractors to the antenna towers that top Alpe Bluez. Other than trying extra hard to find good traction the ascent was pretty normal – long, steep and relentless. I suffered as much at the top from being cold as I did from actually climbing.
Apparently Aaron had a more amusing ride up than Rick and I did because he rode near Trevor and listened in on the one-way conversation that Trevor had with his rear tire. Every few minutes Aaron heard a tire spin out in the sand followed by, “(Insert explicative here) tires!” The King of Mtb Flats was riding his back-up bike with a narrow rear tire filled with enough air to supply an entire ecosystem. His full-suspension Marin, which is currently under construction, is Trevor’s bike of choice – not his sweet Specialized hardtail.
The real fun began at the descent into Reche Canyon, which was mired with me nearly careening out of control over a cliff and Trevor taking a soil sample. No doubt – a result of his 200 pounds of air pressure. Rick and Aaron managed to escape the downhill unscathed and if you ask either one of them why, they’re likely to give you the same answer, “Because we ride steel bikes.” Although they’ve only met twice, they share the same motto. I’d be sipping fruity drinks in some clear blue ocean if I had a dime for every time I’ve heard one of them say, “Aluminum is for recycling. Steel is for building things.”
I can’t dispute their motto because the steel frame has gotten the best of me many times and it did that night as we pace-lined down a rough Reche Canyon Rd. I was pulling and tucked in, thinking I was traveling at a pretty good clip when all of a sudden Aaron sling-shots from the draft and goes by me like a bat out of hell. “What the hell!?” was all I could say as he sprinted away like Mario Cippolini. Really, it had more to do with the rider than it did his steel bike, but whenever my legs fail me, I always blame it on my aluminum ride.
Before the ride was over I amused some and annoyed others while heading home back down Westwood. I came into a corner, threw the bike sideways, dragging my left cleat across the tarmac, performing my best Mert Lawill impersonation. Sparks flew from beneath my cleat and lit the sky like a giant bolt of lightening, as if to signal that we had conquered the great mountain.
CONTEST
A Pro Grip motorcycle jersey (just like the one that Stephane Peterhansel used to wear) to the first person that can answer the following questions:
1. What movie is the below dialogue from?
2. How does Pigman conclude his Caine-Hackman Theory thesis?
Tom: What’s he doing?
Droz: He's finishing his senior thesis. Pigman is trying to prove the Caine-Hackman Theory: No matter what time it is, 24 hours a day, you can find a Michael Caine or Gene Hackman movie playing on TV.
Tom: That's his thesis?
Droz: Yes! That’s the beauty of college these days, Tommy! You can major in Gameboy if you know how to bullshit.
Submit answers to: Freemanrace@aol.com
Subject line: Contest
WARNING: Rick wore the prized Pro Grip jersey while riding up Alpe Bluez, but it has since been washed (twice) in hot water.
Rick of all people should know how cold one can get on top of Blue Mountain because he’s been to the near-freezing summit at night almost as many times as I. Anything other than a jersey, vest or arm warmers and Rick would have probably had it in his gear bag. Had I needed a solder gun or a hydraulic jack for some reason, I bet he would have dug it out in no time.
Trevor’s excuse for leaving his jersey at home probably had something to do with getting preoccupied with the amount of air pressure in his tires. A reasonable excuse since he’s the unofficial King of flatting mountain bike tires. Fortunately for Rick and Trevor, I happen to have a surplus of old bicycle and motorcycle gear and was more than willing to set them up so we could get the ride underway. Rick wore a red Pro Grip motorcycle jersey and a red Acerbis vest – making him look like a cross between Stephane Peterhansel and Giovanni Sala. Trevor opted for a red short-sleeved Manitou jersey. Aaron, on the other hand came totally prepared even though he tried to convince us that he had forgotten his cleats. He’s tried to pull that stunt on me every single time we’ve ridden Blue Mountain so this time I didn’t buy it. All kidding aside, the three of them showed up with fire in their eyes and Alpe Bluez hate in their hearts, ready and willing to conquer the mountain.
The ride started off with a detour because whoever owns Blue Mountain fenced off the Palm St. entrance to the base of the mountain. Sad, since Grand Terrace advertises itself as “The Blue Mountain City.” Our detour took us up to Honey Hill and then down Westwood into Reche Canyon, where the climb began. It’s now obvious why the fence is up because the road heading up the mountain is very loose and sandy, which probably means they’ve been driving trucks and tractors to the antenna towers that top Alpe Bluez. Other than trying extra hard to find good traction the ascent was pretty normal – long, steep and relentless. I suffered as much at the top from being cold as I did from actually climbing.
Apparently Aaron had a more amusing ride up than Rick and I did because he rode near Trevor and listened in on the one-way conversation that Trevor had with his rear tire. Every few minutes Aaron heard a tire spin out in the sand followed by, “(Insert explicative here) tires!” The King of Mtb Flats was riding his back-up bike with a narrow rear tire filled with enough air to supply an entire ecosystem. His full-suspension Marin, which is currently under construction, is Trevor’s bike of choice – not his sweet Specialized hardtail.
The real fun began at the descent into Reche Canyon, which was mired with me nearly careening out of control over a cliff and Trevor taking a soil sample. No doubt – a result of his 200 pounds of air pressure. Rick and Aaron managed to escape the downhill unscathed and if you ask either one of them why, they’re likely to give you the same answer, “Because we ride steel bikes.” Although they’ve only met twice, they share the same motto. I’d be sipping fruity drinks in some clear blue ocean if I had a dime for every time I’ve heard one of them say, “Aluminum is for recycling. Steel is for building things.”
I can’t dispute their motto because the steel frame has gotten the best of me many times and it did that night as we pace-lined down a rough Reche Canyon Rd. I was pulling and tucked in, thinking I was traveling at a pretty good clip when all of a sudden Aaron sling-shots from the draft and goes by me like a bat out of hell. “What the hell!?” was all I could say as he sprinted away like Mario Cippolini. Really, it had more to do with the rider than it did his steel bike, but whenever my legs fail me, I always blame it on my aluminum ride.
Before the ride was over I amused some and annoyed others while heading home back down Westwood. I came into a corner, threw the bike sideways, dragging my left cleat across the tarmac, performing my best Mert Lawill impersonation. Sparks flew from beneath my cleat and lit the sky like a giant bolt of lightening, as if to signal that we had conquered the great mountain.
CONTEST
A Pro Grip motorcycle jersey (just like the one that Stephane Peterhansel used to wear) to the first person that can answer the following questions:
1. What movie is the below dialogue from?
2. How does Pigman conclude his Caine-Hackman Theory thesis?
Tom: What’s he doing?
Droz: He's finishing his senior thesis. Pigman is trying to prove the Caine-Hackman Theory: No matter what time it is, 24 hours a day, you can find a Michael Caine or Gene Hackman movie playing on TV.
Tom: That's his thesis?
Droz: Yes! That’s the beauty of college these days, Tommy! You can major in Gameboy if you know how to bullshit.
Submit answers to: Freemanrace@aol.com
Subject line: Contest
WARNING: Rick wore the prized Pro Grip jersey while riding up Alpe Bluez, but it has since been washed (twice) in hot water.
Nov 1, 2002
In the near future I plan on addressing the first Fall ride up Alpe Bluez, Chuck Yeager’s final super sonic flight, and the fall of Walter Payton’s rushing record. In the meantime, I’m introducing a new feature, “Ask Freemanrace.” It’s totally free and confidential and lets me answer your most complicated life questions. And if I can’t answer them for you, I’ll seek the expertise of someone who can.
Dear Freemanrace,
A friend of mine is throwing a party with a “Prom” theme, however, instead of coming dressed in a prom dress, she insists that we add a “theme” to the “Prom theme.” For example, she is coming in a dress covered in blood like Steven King’s “Carrie.” I may not even go to the party now because I can’t come up with a theme of my own. Got any ideas?
-Themeless
Dear Themeless,
First of all, Stephen King spells his name with a “PH,” not a “V.” Secondly, I can’t believe you have to ask me this question. I also can’t believe that anyone would invite someone like you, who obviously lacks imagination and creativity, to a party in the first place. It sounds like the party would be more fun if you weren’t even there, but if you do choose to go, consider the following. (Some of these brilliant ideas are actually going to require that you bring a date. That in itself might be a problem).
1. The girl that brings her dad to the prom. This one will require that you have a date or a boyfriend. Fix him up with a thick mustache and a bad tux so he looks like a real father. Make sure he hits on all of your friends, which will make the entire thing that much more genuine. Or, if you don’t have a boyfriend or a date, take your dad to the party for real.
2. The pregnant girl at the prom from the continuation high school down the street. You’ll need a larger than usual prom dress and a beach ball or something else round. This costume has a great advantage – that being - if you get too drunk and spill your drink on yourself, you can tell people at the party that your water just broke or that you’re lactating.
3. The Donna Martin prom theme. Get good and drunk before you even show up to the party. Then stumble in (flask in hand), throw up in the toilet and pass out on the bathroom floor. There’s one at every prom.
4. The eat, take pictures and leave couple. This one will require a date and may be the perfect theme for you since you’re obviously the anti-social type. Show up to the party, eat immediately and make sure everyone present with a camera gets a photo of you and your date A.S.A.P. As soon as they do, make a B-line for the door and get out of there. When the photos get developed show your parents and tell them what a great time you had at the “Prom theme party.”
5. The ugly poor girl who goes with the popular jock who lost a bet with his buddies. This one requires a date. It also requires that you choose an ugly dress, bad hair and some hideous glasses. To really spice it up, act like you can’t walk on high heels and dance like an idiot.
6. The M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) prom girl. Like the “Carrie” theme, this one will require a lot of fake blood, but will make a hell of a statement. It may even make people at the party thank twice before having that 12th beer. You might even consider a severed arm or leg to make an even greater impact. If anyone asks where your date is, say, “He died when the guard rail woke us up in the middle of the night,” or “He’s in detox downtown at the station.”
7. The girl who goes with the guy who walks around the prom waving his hotel room key at everyone. Like the Donna Martin theme, there’s one of these guys at every prom. Make sure everyone at the party sees his room key and make sure you ask all of your friends whether or not you should go up to his hotel room with him. Ask them multiple times until they finally say, “Yes, go! Get out of here.”
8. The anti-prom. Prior to the “Prom Party” announce to everyone invited, that you think the party (prom) is stupid and if they want, they can come to your house instead, where you’ll have plenty of beer. This of course, is the perfect idea for you because you’ll get to enjoy the prom theme without even attending your friend’s party. And who knows, maybe some of your other friends are big enough losers that they’ll come to your house to sit around and drink instead of going to the party.
Beyond that, I can’t help anymore. Have fun.
Dear Freemanrace,
A riding buddy said his head gets cold when we ride the wash trail in Mentone during the winter months. Since I work close to Performance Bike, he asked that I pick him up a black skullcap the next time I was at Performance Bike. When I got there, they only had blue, yellow and white. Knowing that his helmet is red, I bought the white skullcap since blue and yellow clash with red. When I told my buddy that I got him white instead of black, he refused to take the skullcap and also refused to pay for it. I tried to return the skullcap, but since it’s headwear, Performance Bike won’t take it back either. What should I do since my buddy refuses to pay me back the 14 bucks he owes me?
-Confused
Dear Confused,
There are many holes in the Mentone wash and in those holes many problems are buried.
Dear Freemanrace,
One of the guys I ride mountain bikes with cannot seem to keep the rubber side down. He constantly crashes and either breaks a part on his bike or injures himself. I’m afraid we’ll have to fly him out of the Mentone wash in a medivac helicopter if he keeps his crashing up for much longer. It’s beginning to be a problem for everyone else because a normal 90-minute spin turns into a three-hour ordeal whenever he’s along for the ride. How can we prevent our riding partner from crashing so much?
-Concerned
Dear Concerned,
There are many holes in the Mentone wash and in those holes many problems are buried.
Dear Freemanrace,
Last month my husband and I recently purchased a ’03 Dodge Ram pickup. He immediately insisted on putting a five-inch lift kit on it, which required new tires and wheels. So far we’ve spent close to 50-grand on the truck. The truck is so ridiculously high that he can’t even load his freestyle motocross bike in the bed without the neighbor’s help. Last week he came home with a “Bad Ass Boys Drive Bad Ass Toys” sticker on the rear window, which is embarrassing for me when I drive it. Not only that, our two-year old son and my three-year daughter keep asking me what the sticker says. I don’t know what to tell them and my husband refuses to take the sticker off. What should I do?
-Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed,
Your husband is an idiot. I see those stickers on the freeway all the time and I think to myself, “What kind of poor-taste, low-life person puts that on their truck?” You are definitely in a tight spot. My first instinct would be to get him a rainbow print “Bad Ass Boys…” sticker, since those stickers are gay in the first place. Or else, you could divorce him, but you do have a child together and if you did leave him, he’s likely to get a urinating Calvin sticker with the words, “Ex-Wife” on it. That too is bad for your child to be exposed to, which is one reason why there are so many jacked kids these days. I guess the best piece of advice I can give is the advice I gave the last two letters. There are many holes in the Mentone wash . . .
freemanrace@aol.com
Dear Freemanrace,
A friend of mine is throwing a party with a “Prom” theme, however, instead of coming dressed in a prom dress, she insists that we add a “theme” to the “Prom theme.” For example, she is coming in a dress covered in blood like Steven King’s “Carrie.” I may not even go to the party now because I can’t come up with a theme of my own. Got any ideas?
-Themeless
Dear Themeless,
First of all, Stephen King spells his name with a “PH,” not a “V.” Secondly, I can’t believe you have to ask me this question. I also can’t believe that anyone would invite someone like you, who obviously lacks imagination and creativity, to a party in the first place. It sounds like the party would be more fun if you weren’t even there, but if you do choose to go, consider the following. (Some of these brilliant ideas are actually going to require that you bring a date. That in itself might be a problem).
1. The girl that brings her dad to the prom. This one will require that you have a date or a boyfriend. Fix him up with a thick mustache and a bad tux so he looks like a real father. Make sure he hits on all of your friends, which will make the entire thing that much more genuine. Or, if you don’t have a boyfriend or a date, take your dad to the party for real.
2. The pregnant girl at the prom from the continuation high school down the street. You’ll need a larger than usual prom dress and a beach ball or something else round. This costume has a great advantage – that being - if you get too drunk and spill your drink on yourself, you can tell people at the party that your water just broke or that you’re lactating.
3. The Donna Martin prom theme. Get good and drunk before you even show up to the party. Then stumble in (flask in hand), throw up in the toilet and pass out on the bathroom floor. There’s one at every prom.
4. The eat, take pictures and leave couple. This one will require a date and may be the perfect theme for you since you’re obviously the anti-social type. Show up to the party, eat immediately and make sure everyone present with a camera gets a photo of you and your date A.S.A.P. As soon as they do, make a B-line for the door and get out of there. When the photos get developed show your parents and tell them what a great time you had at the “Prom theme party.”
5. The ugly poor girl who goes with the popular jock who lost a bet with his buddies. This one requires a date. It also requires that you choose an ugly dress, bad hair and some hideous glasses. To really spice it up, act like you can’t walk on high heels and dance like an idiot.
6. The M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) prom girl. Like the “Carrie” theme, this one will require a lot of fake blood, but will make a hell of a statement. It may even make people at the party thank twice before having that 12th beer. You might even consider a severed arm or leg to make an even greater impact. If anyone asks where your date is, say, “He died when the guard rail woke us up in the middle of the night,” or “He’s in detox downtown at the station.”
7. The girl who goes with the guy who walks around the prom waving his hotel room key at everyone. Like the Donna Martin theme, there’s one of these guys at every prom. Make sure everyone at the party sees his room key and make sure you ask all of your friends whether or not you should go up to his hotel room with him. Ask them multiple times until they finally say, “Yes, go! Get out of here.”
8. The anti-prom. Prior to the “Prom Party” announce to everyone invited, that you think the party (prom) is stupid and if they want, they can come to your house instead, where you’ll have plenty of beer. This of course, is the perfect idea for you because you’ll get to enjoy the prom theme without even attending your friend’s party. And who knows, maybe some of your other friends are big enough losers that they’ll come to your house to sit around and drink instead of going to the party.
Beyond that, I can’t help anymore. Have fun.
Dear Freemanrace,
A riding buddy said his head gets cold when we ride the wash trail in Mentone during the winter months. Since I work close to Performance Bike, he asked that I pick him up a black skullcap the next time I was at Performance Bike. When I got there, they only had blue, yellow and white. Knowing that his helmet is red, I bought the white skullcap since blue and yellow clash with red. When I told my buddy that I got him white instead of black, he refused to take the skullcap and also refused to pay for it. I tried to return the skullcap, but since it’s headwear, Performance Bike won’t take it back either. What should I do since my buddy refuses to pay me back the 14 bucks he owes me?
-Confused
Dear Confused,
There are many holes in the Mentone wash and in those holes many problems are buried.
Dear Freemanrace,
One of the guys I ride mountain bikes with cannot seem to keep the rubber side down. He constantly crashes and either breaks a part on his bike or injures himself. I’m afraid we’ll have to fly him out of the Mentone wash in a medivac helicopter if he keeps his crashing up for much longer. It’s beginning to be a problem for everyone else because a normal 90-minute spin turns into a three-hour ordeal whenever he’s along for the ride. How can we prevent our riding partner from crashing so much?
-Concerned
Dear Concerned,
There are many holes in the Mentone wash and in those holes many problems are buried.
Dear Freemanrace,
Last month my husband and I recently purchased a ’03 Dodge Ram pickup. He immediately insisted on putting a five-inch lift kit on it, which required new tires and wheels. So far we’ve spent close to 50-grand on the truck. The truck is so ridiculously high that he can’t even load his freestyle motocross bike in the bed without the neighbor’s help. Last week he came home with a “Bad Ass Boys Drive Bad Ass Toys” sticker on the rear window, which is embarrassing for me when I drive it. Not only that, our two-year old son and my three-year daughter keep asking me what the sticker says. I don’t know what to tell them and my husband refuses to take the sticker off. What should I do?
-Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed,
Your husband is an idiot. I see those stickers on the freeway all the time and I think to myself, “What kind of poor-taste, low-life person puts that on their truck?” You are definitely in a tight spot. My first instinct would be to get him a rainbow print “Bad Ass Boys…” sticker, since those stickers are gay in the first place. Or else, you could divorce him, but you do have a child together and if you did leave him, he’s likely to get a urinating Calvin sticker with the words, “Ex-Wife” on it. That too is bad for your child to be exposed to, which is one reason why there are so many jacked kids these days. I guess the best piece of advice I can give is the advice I gave the last two letters. There are many holes in the Mentone wash . . .
freemanrace@aol.com
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