In the near future I plan on addressing the first Fall ride up Alpe Bluez, Chuck Yeager’s final super sonic flight, and the fall of Walter Payton’s rushing record. In the meantime, I’m introducing a new feature, “Ask Freemanrace.” It’s totally free and confidential and lets me answer your most complicated life questions. And if I can’t answer them for you, I’ll seek the expertise of someone who can.

Dear Freemanrace,
A friend of mine is throwing a party with a “Prom” theme, however, instead of coming dressed in a prom dress, she insists that we add a “theme” to the “Prom theme.” For example, she is coming in a dress covered in blood like Steven King’s “Carrie.” I may not even go to the party now because I can’t come up with a theme of my own. Got any ideas?
-Themeless

Dear Themeless,
First of all, Stephen King spells his name with a “PH,” not a “V.” Secondly, I can’t believe you have to ask me this question. I also can’t believe that anyone would invite someone like you, who obviously lacks imagination and creativity, to a party in the first place. It sounds like the party would be more fun if you weren’t even there, but if you do choose to go, consider the following. (Some of these brilliant ideas are actually going to require that you bring a date. That in itself might be a problem).

1. The girl that brings her dad to the prom. This one will require that you have a date or a boyfriend. Fix him up with a thick mustache and a bad tux so he looks like a real father. Make sure he hits on all of your friends, which will make the entire thing that much more genuine. Or, if you don’t have a boyfriend or a date, take your dad to the party for real.

2. The pregnant girl at the prom from the continuation high school down the street. You’ll need a larger than usual prom dress and a beach ball or something else round. This costume has a great advantage – that being - if you get too drunk and spill your drink on yourself, you can tell people at the party that your water just broke or that you’re lactating.

3. The Donna Martin prom theme. Get good and drunk before you even show up to the party. Then stumble in (flask in hand), throw up in the toilet and pass out on the bathroom floor. There’s one at every prom.

4. The eat, take pictures and leave couple. This one will require a date and may be the perfect theme for you since you’re obviously the anti-social type. Show up to the party, eat immediately and make sure everyone present with a camera gets a photo of you and your date A.S.A.P. As soon as they do, make a B-line for the door and get out of there. When the photos get developed show your parents and tell them what a great time you had at the “Prom theme party.”

5. The ugly poor girl who goes with the popular jock who lost a bet with his buddies. This one requires a date. It also requires that you choose an ugly dress, bad hair and some hideous glasses. To really spice it up, act like you can’t walk on high heels and dance like an idiot.

6. The M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) prom girl. Like the “Carrie” theme, this one will require a lot of fake blood, but will make a hell of a statement. It may even make people at the party thank twice before having that 12th beer. You might even consider a severed arm or leg to make an even greater impact. If anyone asks where your date is, say, “He died when the guard rail woke us up in the middle of the night,” or “He’s in detox downtown at the station.”

7. The girl who goes with the guy who walks around the prom waving his hotel room key at everyone. Like the Donna Martin theme, there’s one of these guys at every prom. Make sure everyone at the party sees his room key and make sure you ask all of your friends whether or not you should go up to his hotel room with him. Ask them multiple times until they finally say, “Yes, go! Get out of here.”

8. The anti-prom. Prior to the “Prom Party” announce to everyone invited, that you think the party (prom) is stupid and if they want, they can come to your house instead, where you’ll have plenty of beer. This of course, is the perfect idea for you because you’ll get to enjoy the prom theme without even attending your friend’s party. And who knows, maybe some of your other friends are big enough losers that they’ll come to your house to sit around and drink instead of going to the party.

Beyond that, I can’t help anymore. Have fun.

Dear Freemanrace,
A riding buddy said his head gets cold when we ride the wash trail in Mentone during the winter months. Since I work close to Performance Bike, he asked that I pick him up a black skullcap the next time I was at Performance Bike. When I got there, they only had blue, yellow and white. Knowing that his helmet is red, I bought the white skullcap since blue and yellow clash with red. When I told my buddy that I got him white instead of black, he refused to take the skullcap and also refused to pay for it. I tried to return the skullcap, but since it’s headwear, Performance Bike won’t take it back either. What should I do since my buddy refuses to pay me back the 14 bucks he owes me?
-Confused

Dear Confused,
There are many holes in the Mentone wash and in those holes many problems are buried.

Dear Freemanrace,
One of the guys I ride mountain bikes with cannot seem to keep the rubber side down. He constantly crashes and either breaks a part on his bike or injures himself. I’m afraid we’ll have to fly him out of the Mentone wash in a medivac helicopter if he keeps his crashing up for much longer. It’s beginning to be a problem for everyone else because a normal 90-minute spin turns into a three-hour ordeal whenever he’s along for the ride. How can we prevent our riding partner from crashing so much?
-Concerned

Dear Concerned,
There are many holes in the Mentone wash and in those holes many problems are buried.

Dear Freemanrace,
Last month my husband and I recently purchased a ’03 Dodge Ram pickup. He immediately insisted on putting a five-inch lift kit on it, which required new tires and wheels. So far we’ve spent close to 50-grand on the truck. The truck is so ridiculously high that he can’t even load his freestyle motocross bike in the bed without the neighbor’s help. Last week he came home with a “Bad Ass Boys Drive Bad Ass Toys” sticker on the rear window, which is embarrassing for me when I drive it. Not only that, our two-year old son and my three-year daughter keep asking me what the sticker says. I don’t know what to tell them and my husband refuses to take the sticker off. What should I do?
-Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed,
Your husband is an idiot. I see those stickers on the freeway all the time and I think to myself, “What kind of poor-taste, low-life person puts that on their truck?” You are definitely in a tight spot. My first instinct would be to get him a rainbow print “Bad Ass Boys…” sticker, since those stickers are gay in the first place. Or else, you could divorce him, but you do have a child together and if you did leave him, he’s likely to get a urinating Calvin sticker with the words, “Ex-Wife” on it. That too is bad for your child to be exposed to, which is one reason why there are so many jacked kids these days. I guess the best piece of advice I can give is the advice I gave the last two letters. There are many holes in the Mentone wash . . .


freemanrace@aol.com