YOU'VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH

Today I am going to fulfill your new years wish. No, I’m not going to help you shed that five pounds you added over the holidays. No, I’m not going to help you refrain from drinking, cursing, smoking and/or racking up horrendous credit card bills. Today, exactly one month from my last posting, I am updating the web site. Happy New Year! You can stop emailing your requests.

One might figure that since a month has passed since my last posting that I would have a lot to report. Not so. This is 2003 now, so instead of paragraph after paragraph of beautiful flowing prose describing my two-week Christmas vacation, I bring you bullet points for the short attention span of mankind.

*At the ZX-6R Press Launch in Las Vegas Forbes/Men’s Journal/Rolling Stone’s Mike Salisbury revealed to me that Ernest Hemingway did not use adjectives. (Yah, that’s right, I said Rolling Stone).

*The Blue Man Group at the Luxor in Las Vegas is the best MAJOR stage production I have ever seen. They topped The Rolling Stones, Jane’s Addiction, The Red Hot Chili Peppers and that lame Metallica show at Blockbuster.

*Be on the look out for a royal blue Honda CRV occupied with a snowball-throwing father, mother and two elementary school-age children. They barely missed me as I climbed Oak Glen on my road bike Christmas Eve. It’s great what parents are teaching their children these days. I hope the only thing Santa left under their tree Christmas morning was an electrical fire.

*Descending Oak Glen in the snow is wicked cold.

*The wait to get seated at a downtown Disney restaurant is wicked long (and cold).

*People who watch a lot of Texas football tend to throw a lot like Texas football quarterbacks. I learned this the hard way when Chris threw me a duck in the street that I tried to pull in with one eye on the ball and the other eye on the curb. The result was a badly swollen left knee that still needs an MRI.

That’s all the time I have right now because I’ve got more pressing issues to address:

The Insomniac Theme Song

Awwww….
Drunks and losers,
Dwarves with limps,
Flos and hos and one-eyed pimps –
Down the alley way they creep.
They’re all your friends when you can’t sleep.

Come with me and you will see
A late-night-freak-show-jubilee!
Kick the Sandman in his sack,
Stay up late – Insomniac!

Catch Dave Attell’s Insomniac on Comedy Central Thursdays at 10 PM. Next week; Cleveland.