Mar 13, 2008

There’s a guy at Stell Coffee & Tea shop that’s known to some as The Lurker. He’s frequently there with his face covered by the newspaper, but when he hears an interesting conversation, he’s not afraid to drop his paper to chest level and openly ease-drop. The Lurker would make a horrible detective. Who reads the newspaper these days anyway? Once the conversation turns stale, the newspaper goes back up and his face is once again hidden.

Apparently he was a regular Fox Coffee patron until too many young ladies complained about his off-color comments and he was banned from the building. So basically the Lurker is a Coffee Shop offender. When he started hanging around Stell, he should have been required to reveal his coffee shop crimes. Shouldn’t there be a coffee shop offender online database to help prevent these types from traveling from coffee shop to coffee shop? At the very least, there should be a designated coffee shop or chain of coffee shops (like Starbucks) where coffee shop offenders can convene over a cup of joe. But don’t mix these weirdoes with the rest of us. I want to be able to enjoy conversation and a cup of coffee without having to worry about some strange social derelict knowing about my personal life. That’s what blogs are for.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder if the Lurker actually has a job or if for some odd reason he has a mysterious endless cash-flow like Jason Sager. But then I think if the Lurker had a lot of money he’d probably put down the Redlands Daily Facts and read the online version via a MacBook.

One night it occurred to me that he may have one of those jobs that you see on late night TV where you get rich cutting out newspaper clippings. That would explain his newspapers, but I’ve never seen him with scissors in hand. And thank goodness for that. Maybe he just scans the paper at Stell and then goes home to clip out his riches.

Occasionally, my fascination with the Lurker will lead my mind to wonder on to other things as I lay awake at night. For example, how in the hell can you become rich by cutting out newspaper clippings? I’ve seen the commercials and the testimonials, but they lack pertinent details on the job description. And I’m not about to order the $19.99 starter kit video that they offer because I don’t have a mysterious endless cash-flow like some people I know, and I don’t own a VHS player anymore. Maybe when the DVD comes out I’ll consider it, but until then I’ll just lay awake at night and wonder.

Speaking of clippings, both Ryder and I got our hair cut this week and that makes me think of the Lurker too. The Lurker always has a clean cut. Maybe a good job for the Lurker would be cutting hair. People make a lot small talk at barber shops and barbers read the paper while they’re in between customers. The Lurker could really cash in if he was a barber and in between cutting customer’s hair he cut newspaper clippings. He could use the same tool for two jobs. That’s kind of what the fictional character, Sweeney Todd did, right? What if in addition to cutting hair and murdering people, Sweeney Todd used his scissors to get rich by cutting newspaper clippings? That’s like the trifecta or hat-trick of using scissors.

So what have we learned here?
1.
There’s a Lurker at Stell
2. Someone should create a Coffee Shop Offender online database
3. Printed newspapers aren’t completely dead. Yet.
4. Scissors are a multi-functional tool

What is still up in the air?

We still don’t know how cutting newspaper clippings can make you rich and we still don’t know much about the Lurker, but all of this rambling beats the hell out of a Bonelli XC race report.

7 comments:

Blum said...

If this took place in claremont, I could tell you who the lurker is, his employment status and the goings on in his workshop.

Matt said...

Blum,
Speaking of Todd, did I ever tell you that when I was in high school a friend of mine was in a band named "The Word of Todd"? They weren't much a band because they were always looking for a singer. 16 years later, it just occurred to me that the perfect frontman for The Word of Todd would have been... Todd. Can you imagine it? That would be like Jim Morrison meets Jeffrey Dahmer meets Robert Goulet. Platinum!

jsager said...

That's two links in two posts. You should offer an offer of employment. One can never have too many sources of income.

Matt said...

Alright, but I'm gonna have to ten-ninety-nine you.

Christie said...

VERY entertaining write-up Matt. I see your writing skills are sharpened well here at work.

I had an encounter with the Lurker at Barnes and Noble a few months ago.

Anonymous said...

In jolly Old England a lurker was defined as:

A turd which refuses to flush.

"Bloody hell, someones left a lurker!"

Thanks to Stells for ridding the planet of the human turd !

Anonymous said...

i work there. i know him. his name is jody...