Feb 22, 2010

Sarcasm is no longer the lowest form of wit

Yes, it seems I’ve found something that actually annoys me even more than soap operas, crowds, riding behind bow-legged people, the state of Florida, and the nation of Germany. It’s called Vague-booking, and I’m not the only one it annoys. Those vague cries for help and attention on Facebook and Twitter are so widely hated that they’ve been given a name and are listed in Urban Dictionary now. You know the half-wits I’m talking about:

So-in-so is over it.

So-in-so is having a life changing experience.

So-in-so can’t take it anymore.

So-in-so can’t believe some people.

I can’t decide if So-in-so thinks they’re being clever, is trying to coax “friends” or followers into commenting, or is actually so ignorant and uncreative that they can’t type a clear and concise thought or statement. I’m sure at one point, we’ve all been guilty of posting, tweeting, or blogging something ambiguous, but there are some people out there who have made it a hobby. And when I say some people, I think you know the So-in-so types I’m (cryptically) talking about.

Join me next time when I talk about the phonies on Facebook who have like a 1,000 “friends.”

Feb 17, 2010

What To Do When You Receive an ebay Question from Dumbass (or, How to Receive Negative ebay Feedback).

Like Steve Berg, I too am getting cyber-bullied on ebay for not answering buyer questions in a prompt manner. Maybe it has something to do with the demanding and ridiculous nature of some of the questions. For example, “The Gary Fisher website says the effective top tube is 527mm. Does that sound right?” and “You didn’t post the weight of the bike. Please weigh the bike,” and my favorite, “I asked you to weigh the bike and you haven’t gotten back to me yet. Weigh the bike and get back to me ASAP.”

These type of questions are a lose-lose situation for me. If I don’t answer the questions, I risk losing a potential buyer. If I do answer the questions, I still risk losing a potential buyer because I’m likely to answer them like this:

“I checked with Gary Fisher himself and he has no idea whether 527 mm is the correct effective top tube length either. Both Gary and I agree that more than likely, his website is correct, but who knows for sure. I could go out to the garage and measure it myself, but I’m not completely comfortable with my measuring abilities, so who knows for sure if I’d get the measurement right. I suggest that you be the highest bidder and once you’ve paid and I’ve shipped you the bike, you can find out firsthand whether or not it does indeed have a 527mm effective top tube and if Gary's website is right or if he's just pulling your leg.”

And we mustn’t forget the weight weenie, whose question, if I did answer, I would probably answer like this:

“When I received your first message I put ‘weigh the bike’ on my list of things to do today right above 'pay bills' and right underneath ‘measure the effective top tube.’ Then I received your second message demanding that I weigh the bike 'ASAP,' as you put it. At that point I decided that if you’re that concerned with the weight of the Dura Ace, Ultegra, and RaceXLite high-end component-equipped bike, you’re probably not tough enough to race cyclocross in the first place, thus you don’t deserve, or need this bike. Plus, your ebay username contains clues suggesting you’re from Florida, and of all the Confederate States, Florida is by far my least favorite. Doing ebay business with someone in Florida is kind of like doing ebay business with someone outside of the U.S. – it’s most likely a scam. And besides, the cross racing in Florida is probably pretty lame, so consider it a favor that I did not cave to your demands. I saved you a lot of money and a lot of suffering, and myself a trip out to the garage. Furthermore, your Confederate money is no good.”

Contrary to what you may think about this blog, it actually has morals and the moral of this story is that if you send me dumb ebay questions, you’re more than likely to get back a dumber answer.

These aren’t morals, but instead, good-to-know information:

Per my Garmin Edge 500, Raincross is harder than Como. Turner’s Garmin can back me up on that. Garmins don’t lie.

The first two-thirds of the Palm Springs Century (or whatever they call it) are pretty cool. The last third is spent riding from red light to red light to red light, which is not cool at all.

Don’t eat fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and corn on the cob an hour before riding the Silver Bullet at Knott’s Berry Farm unless you want to feel like hell for the better part of two hours.

The Ghost Rider rollercoaster at Knott’s Berry Farm is wicked fast.

I wonder what Ryder is doing right now?

Feb 7, 2010

Because Cyclocross is too Hard

For Sale:Gary Fisher Presidio CX Bike size 52

Sucking at CX forces sale.

This bike (and its rider) made an appearance (off-the-back) at the 2010 CrossVegas. Only a hand full of bikes can say that in the entire world!

The frame was purchased new in September 2009. I crashed it a couple times but it was no big deal to the buyer (you) because my body took the brunt of the crashes. Iraced this bike half a southern California CX season so the bike never saw any bad weather. It was only raced half a season because I got tired of getting my ass kicked so I quit. I'm over it (it, being CX).

Email me at mattfreemanrace@yahoo.com if you're interested.

Here's the down-low...
Frame: medium True Temper OX Platinum Steel
Fork: Bontrager Satellite Carbon
Headset: Cane Creek S-3
Shifters: Shimano Dura Ace 7800 10-speed (right scuffed from crash)
Front derailleur: Shimano Dura Ace 7800
Rear derailleur: Ultegra
Crank set: Bontrager RaceXLite 50/34
Cassette: SRAM Rival 11/26
Chain: Dura Ace
Wheels: Bontrager RaceXLite Tubular (not carbon)
Tires: Tufo Primus 32c, used for a couple races (perfectly glued)
Handlebar: Bontrager RaceXLite carbon
Stem: Bontrager RaceLite 100mm 7-degree
Seatpost: Bontrager RaceXLite AC (carbon/aluminum mix)
Saddle: Bontrager RaceXLite
Brakes: TRP

So there you have it.

Feb 3, 2010

Did I mention it was in freezing temperatures?

1 million reasons why your community should get behind a national caliber cycling event: http://kohd.com/news/local/161017

And when I say fun, what I actually mean is summer.

I don’t like rodents, especially when they emerge from a tree stump and see their ugly rodent shadows, signaling six more weeks of me freezing my ass off.

If I were in Gobbler’s Knob, PA today, I would have placed a sizzling Weber BBQ over the ceremonial tree stump preventing Punxsutawney Phil from baring his grimy head. That’s what I would have done, and that’s how I would have declared that spring is indeed just around the corner and happy days are here again.

I find it amusing that the time-honored Groundhog Day tradition came to America by way of the early German settlers. It just proves my point – Germans hate fun. They’re where fun goes to die. The exception is the Schmidt family. Not only are they fun, they feed me every tuesday night. Last night we had salmon. Anyway, I digress - winter isn't fun.