Sep 28, 2005

For Whom the Bark Tolls

It's come to this. Yesterday Denise got home from work & under the door was a note from the people who reside cattycorner from us. According to our neighbors, Sala barks all day, which I find hard to believe because when I come home from work or from a ride, she's usually sound asleep in the back yard. Because I want to be a good neighbor I drove down to Pet Co. last night and dumped 80 bucks on the PetSafe Bark Control Collar. Denise was none too happy, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Here is the part where I talk about my issues with said neighbor: From my second story bedroom window I can see him & his wife sit on their back patio. They're in their 30's. She usually reads or talks on the phone, ignoring him, while he sits there & smokes either a cigar or a clove. Whatever he's smoking, I can smell the stench from my backyard. I'm thinking about putting a note under his door to let him know that my family & I are inhaling his second-hand smoke from our back yard. Here's my theory on this guy, based on his looks, the way he dresses, his moderately long hair, his clove/cigar smoking habit & the fact that he is apparently home during the day. I've seen his wife wearing scrubs so she's obviously in the medical profession, makes good money & is probably supporting her husband, who is an English Professor type suffering the evils of humanity. This self-loathing intellect is personally & emotionally burdened with penning the next great American novel & is using his lack of ideas, creativity & motivation as an excuse to punish my dog. Since this guy won't face the reality that he'll never get published, outside of a letter to the editor of the Redlands Daily Facts, Sala gets a nice little shock to the neck every time she barks at the workers next door landscaping the other neighbor's backyard.

Now Sala is destine to develop an even greater psychoneurosis due to the shocker collar even though this wannabe Hemingway is: (A) Likely to wake up from his egotistical fantasy & focus on the reality of life, only after his wife finally decides to leave this sulking soul for a guy she met at the gym; OR (B) The most popular for these types; Falls deep into alcoholism, takes a bunch of pills & dies a lonely death having only published one of those, "Fill in the useless subject for Dummies"

Ryder & the alleged source of writer's block.


Yesterday during my 16-mile, 45 minute drive to work I heard 2 blog-worthy news pieces on NPR. The first story was about the death of Don Adams. During the first report, the reporter stated that Get Smart ran for 4 seasons. Because it takes me so damn long to get to work, I often get to hear the news recycled. In the second report, the reporters stated that Get Smart ran for 5 seasons. NPR, inaccurate? NPR, make a mistake on something as trivial as the lifespan of a sitcom? My sensitive English Professor neighbor's earth has just caved in around him. Turns out, Don Adams spoke to Agent 99 using his shoe telephone for a total of 5 seasons.

The second piece on NPR I heard was a phone interview with a representitive of FEMA regarding Hurricans Rita & Katrina. I won't get deep into the details of the interview, but I will say that the interviewee was as qualified to represent FEMA as the Motor City Madman (Ted Nugent) is qualified to represent PITA (thanks Brett). He failed to answer most of the questions, chose not to answer others & was unaware of his agency's policies & procedures. The impression that the interview left on me is this: Fend for yourself (and your family, of course). Go to the grocery store, stock up on food, supplies, coffee & freeze-dried icecream & don't rely on any government agency, local or federal, to rescue you in case of a disaster. FEMA can't even save themselves from a disasters NPR interview.

And finally, EPO. - I don't know Chris Sheppard, nor have I ever raced against him, but this wouldn't be much of a bicycle blog if I didn't at least acknowledge the Canadian's recent EPO positive drug test. Actually, I wasn't going to touch the topic until I ran across his written apology; blah, blah, blah. Read it if you want, but having read it myself, I wouldn't waste your valuable time. Let me sum up his excuses for his apparent "one-time" EPO usage. He's in the twilight of his career, he got hit by a car while training last year & to expedite his fitness & rehab he starts using EPO. The B.S. continues when he talks about how passionate he is about mountain bike racing & how sorry he is that he cheated his family, friends & most of all fellow racers. Boo hoo Sheppard. Just because you're a factory-sponsored racer doesn't mean that you have more passion for the sport or for racing than any other Pro or Semi-pro guy. Try working a full-time job & trying to keep the fitness to race at an elite level. If an injury & a little emotional distress is a legitimate excuse for performance enhancing drug use, then where do I sign? Does he have any idea how much emotional distress guys like him cause me? After a race, looking at their finish times, doing the math & realizing how far off their pace I really am. Now, that's emotional distress. Forget Sheppard's apology letter. Check out this instead.

On a much lighter note...

Ryder is now eating cereal & sweet potatoe baby food. He's spending today with his Grandma Cindy & Granddad, who recently returned from their vacation on the northern California coast.

Who has my Dane Cook CD & DVD? Come clean.

Any suggestions on what I should be for Halloween this year?

Luke & Jackie sent this picture of Evan & Brandon taken during a tour of the local fire station.


Denise said...

Actually, I think the neighbor's a teacher who was off-track this month.

Matt said...

And while he's off-track, he's working on the next great American novel. That's what I said.