It’s an XXXL World
I told you so. All the fat kids running around (I mean, sitting around) have forced Disneyland to shut down It’s a Small World in order to bring in larger boats and a deeper water-way. Obese adolescents and their parents too, are too heavy for the ride, so Ryder’s favorite Magic Kingdom attraction will be closed down for a year during renovations. So, not only do I have to pay taxes for their health care, but now my kid can’t ride his favorite ride because much of America looks like Dumbo? I guess large is in charge.
How long before they sink a Jungle Cruise?
The news is that over the holiday season, Al qaeda may be targeting southern California malls and shopping centers. This is horrible news. They can do what they want to our outdoor shopping centers, but hasn’t the SoCal indoor mall already suffered enough? My generation and probably the generation before were raised inside indoor malls and now that they are an endangered species, these people want to blow up the few still standing? What in the hell is wrong with these people? I know what some of you are thinking; ‘Go ahead, blow up the Carousel Mall. It’s nothing but an indoor swap meet now.’ Wrong! The indoor mall will rise again! One day we will smell the sweet scent of the Orange Julius and Mrs. Fields Cookies. We will buy our turtlenecks and refrigerators from J.C. Penny and Montgomery Wards and not from Target and Home Depot. Our music will come from Sam Goody, our candy from See’s, and our hosiery from Harris’. We will once again buy our sneakers from a man dressed as a referee. The indoor mall will rise again! We must protect them.
I'm Not on Strike
Since the sntertainment writers are on strike, I’m going to write a great Saturday Night Live skit, cross the picket line, and go from minor celebrity to major celebrity. Here’s a summary of my skit. This kid, (we’ll call him Matt) is sitting in his room with his friend (we’ll call him Nathan) and they’re looking through their football cards. Just before they are going to trade a 1985 Refrigerator Perry and a 1983 Lyle Alzado (R.I.P.), OJ Simpson and his goons bust in like the Kool Aid Man and demand that Nathan hand over his 1970 OJ rookie card, or at least trade it for a 1975 Al Cowlings. Instead of giving in, Matt and Nathan tell the Juice to get lost unless. The Juice offers to throw in an ‘87 Brian Bosworth and an ’85 Phil McConkey and then a heated barter ensues between the acquitted murder and the two boys. Just when it’s about to come to a head, OJ catches sight of an old USC football helmet in the corner of the bedroom and claims that it once belonged to him. As Matt and Nathan try to keep it away from the Juice, the broken NFL hero grabs it, and begins to put it over his head, but the maroon helmet doesn’t fit. With the helmet stuck halfway over his head, the Juice looks into the camera and says, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”