Joey's Getting Fit

Mike came over to the house to fit Joey on his new bike.

I thought it was going to be a monumental event since Joey's broken his neck, a femur, an elbow, and a foot, but it really didn't take that long.

Sometimes being on a trainer and in front of Mike's computer is a very painful place to be, but not during a routine bike fit.

Um, you add your own caption here.

Other Stuff

We went up and raced the 3rd round of the National Mountain Bike Series in Santa Ynez last weekend. I came away with a second in the Singlespeed race, but brought up the back of the pack in Sunday's Pro Short Track. It was a fun weekend nevertheless.

Adam Hart has a blog now and I'm jealous of his banner. I'm sure it will have some good gas station and Willie Stewart stories. I can't get enough of those.

Scotty Tickmeyer is over in Belgium racing with the Junior National Team. He's supposed to be sending me some race updates, but all I've heard so far is that he got food poisoning. That ain't good.

That's all I got.

A Couple of Mothers

In honor of Mother’s Day I thought I’d send my mom and Denise, the mother of my child some interview questions. They’ll answer them individually without seeing the others’ answers. Let’s see if my influence in their lives will lead to similar answers. Oh, and I reserve the right to comment on any answer.

What actor should play me if they made a movie about my life?
Denise: Geez, start off with a hard one! If I get to play myself, then Keanu Reeves. If not, I suppose I'll go with...Matt Damon. Same name, about the same size. (I’m a better actor than Keanu Reeves and I’m not even an actor. – MF)
Mom: I'm still pondering this question. (You’re still pondering this question because you don’t know the names of actors. – MF)

What were you doing when you found out I had crashed at Perris Raceway and was in the Menefee Valley Hospital?
Denise: I was getting ready for a parent meeting at Chula Vista High School. I had to explain to the parent what happened so we made it quick and I got out of there. I was a bit shaken up, so I called my brother and he drove me out there. I had no idea that going to the hospital was going to be a regular gig. Thank goodness those days are over. (Thanks, you just jinxed me. – MF)
Mom: On vacation at the beach up north.

What were you doing when you found out I had crashed coming down Sunset and was at Beaver Clinic getting stitches in my face?
Denise: Wow, that wasn't that long ago and I totally can't remember. I do remember going to the crash site later and all of the pictures you took.
Mom: I was at home - I came to sit with you in the waiting room-- REMEMBER! (Why are you yelling at me? – MF)

What’s your favorite Ryder story?
Denise: I can't think of what my favorite story is (there are so many), but my favorite thing he says is, "Not today; maybe tomorrow."
Mom: I really like how he led the clapping after every song while on stage at the Spring Sing. (It should be noted that Ryder refused to actually sing at the Spring Sing, but he did clap after not singing every song. – MF)

What’s your favorite Twiga story?
Denise: I have so many great memories of her while we were growing up, but now I always think of that whole car dealership bombing thing. I also can't forget how she stuck up for me at my first RHS party (long story), and everyone thought her name was Chiga. (Bombing? I think she set it on fire. There’s a big difference. –MF)
Mom: She reminded me of Mary in the Peter, Paul & Mary.

What do you think of Shane MacGowen?
Denise: I can't get past the teeth. (Beauty is skin deep. - MF)
Mom: Too bad the drugs messed up his voice. (Don't forget about the alcohol. - MF)

Do you think Ryder will ever learn how to use the toilet?
Denise: As I type this, I am smelling a poopy diaper. I told him to go tell Daddy to change him, but he said, "I want Momma to do it." I hope he learns how to use it ASAP. I can't believe stickers and M & M's won't even do the trick. I plan to keep him naked most of the summer so he will quit going in his diaper, but experience tells me he'll probably just crap on the carpet. He's been known to pee on the train table.
Mom: Yes--Have patience.

If you found $500 what would you buy me?
Denise: Some new clothes. I'm sick of hearing you say you don't have anything to wear or nothing fits. Just face it - you should buy extra small. (Extra small may give me a muffin top. – MF)
Mom: A bike accessory--What else?

What was your first bike?
Denise: I don't know, but I think it was yellow and I got it for Christmas.
Mom: I'm not sure what my first bike was but I remember my "Pink Witch" bike from Don’s.

If Ryder and I decide that he’s going to forgo college, move to Europe and become a pro bike racer, are you going to give us grief?
Denise: Isn't that what I do best? (Yeah, you’re pretty good at it. – MF)
Mom: No-I'll go on tour with you guys.

So far, how do you like being a mother?
Denise: I love it. Even though he sprayed me with the hose tonight when I asked him to turn off the water and his favorite thing to say to me is, "You are a bossy engine!" he is the best thing in the world. (Maybe if you weren’t giving him grief, he wouldn’t call you a bossy engine. – MF)
Mom: IT'S THE BEST GIFT IN THE UNIVERSE! (Quit yelling at me Mom. I’m not a child anymore. – MF)

A Brush with Blum: Part 1

One of the most interesting people I know, who doesn't ride bikes, is Richard Blum. He has more stories than me and since he’s old, he got to experience the real southern California punk rock scene in the 80s. The following is the first installment of my 137-part series called A Brush with Blum, followed by a short bio of the man himself.

• “My buddy’s uncle had a wrecking yard. Every now and then someone would dump a car that still ran. One time we scored a diesel VW Rabbit and we took it to go see The Exploited at the Olympic Boxing Auditorium. Of course the Rabbit broke down on the way there - right under the interchange of the 10, 101, and 5 freeways in L.A. There was no shoulder so we got out and climbed up onto a wall to get away from traffic. While we were standing there trying to decide what to do an off-duty cab driver rolled up and offered us a ride at no charge. After we got in the cab we found out that he was high on PCP, but he got us to the show. After the show, there was one hell of a riot. It even made the TV news and the L.A. Times. We got a ride back to Upland after the show laying in the back of a Chevy Luv pick-up. Besides the wind, a light rain was falling so it was a miserable ride home. Good times.” - Blum

Richard Blum was born in 1964 in Newark, New Jersey, however his family moved to Upland, California when he was 2. Blum says that Upland used to be very rural with lots of lemon and orange groves. As a teenager he had a motorcycle and would ride all over town with his BB gun and shoot at anything and everything. When he wasn’t shooting things he was skateboarding and BMX riding at the famed Pipeline Skate Park and the infamous Mount Baldy pipe.

Blum was never much for organized sports although he did play some football and baseball at Damien High School, an all boys school in LaVerne. He was teammates with Mark McGuire and claims that he had a higher batting average than McGuire. Blum also says there was no evidence of McGuire’s alleged steroid use in high school. In the early 80s Blum gave up sports to pursue beer, girls, and punk rock music (the latter he claims is his calling). He spent the decade going to punk shows and seeing acts such as:

The Ramones (in Rubidoux!), Circle Jerks, Social Distortion (at a Chino backyard party in 1982), PiL (Johnny Rotten closed the show with God Save the Queen and Anarchy in the U.K.), DRI, GBH, Black Flag, The Adolescents, TSOL, The Addicts, Youth Brigade, Buzzcocks, Stiff Little Fingers, Dead Kennedys, Misfits, Minor Threat, X, and The Cramps.

Blum, himself, can be seen in the punk rock documentary Another State of Mind.

All good things must come to an end and Blum’s punk rock life slowed down when his daughter Amanda was born out of wedlock. Having a mouth to feed, other than his own, forced him to settle down and get a real job (kinda). Today Blum lives in Riverside, California with his wife April and his youngest daughter Annabel. Although he still loves good old fashioned punk rock, Blum also loves fast boats. Now 44, he says all he wants is a $100,000 cruiser boat with a slip at Dana Point and vacation homes in Hawaii and Wyoming. “I can’t stand crowds and the MTV false prophet lifestyle of southern California,” says Blum.

Sounds like he’s been watching a little too much of The Hills with Amanda.

This man saw The Exploited at the Olympic Boxing Auditorium and lived to tell about it.

In his defense, he would have won anyway

Ryder jumped the gun at the Run Through Redlands Kinder-Dash. They didn't restart the race because it's hard enough to get a bunch of 3 year olds lined up once, much less twice.

Then he and Destry wrestled on the grass at the Redlands Bowl.

Denise won her age division in the half marathon.

I was the only loser in the family this weekend. On Saturday I took 9th at the Idyllwild Spring Challenge - 15 minutes short of a thousand dollar pro cash purse. In my own defense above is the course profile. And unlike Ryder, I got a lack-luster start and had to play catch-up for 30 miles.

If you're like me and you like to make fun of people, take five minutes and read this.

Here. Match the movie quote to the movie. I did two of the easy ones already as an example. I'll post the answers when I get around to it.

I hate to sound like a whiney-B, but I’m tired from a whirl-wind weekend. I had to get up at 4:00 AM on Saturday and Sunday. There are still drunks passed out on the sidewalk near the Falconer at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: The following 4 paragraphs are about the Devil’s Punch Bowl. If you’re like me and you hate race reports, do not read. Or, you can just scroll down to my Haiku and read about it there.

Let be completely frank. When it comes to road racing in southern California, there are 3 words that make me cringe; criterium, Thurlow, and Rogers. Now let me explain. I don’t like crits because I’m a 140-ish pound mountain bike racer and my sprint is about as powerful as a watch battery. I don’t like the mention of Thurlow Rogers because people in these parts talk about him like he’s unstoppable. Granted, he’s an Olympian, won a Pan Am gold medal, won the NRC, won a Masters World Championship, etc., etc., but I don’t show up to a local road race like Punch Bowl hoping to finish second just because Thurlow Rogers is there. Besides, if he were really unstoppable he'd have his own Wikipedia page, but he doesn't.

Anyway, so here’s what happened at Punch Bowl. On the first of 3 hot and windy laps a 6 man break goes up the road. Okay, no big deal. It’s early. Be patient. A bit of a gamble, I know.

Shortly thereafter, on a downhill Thurlow and Mark Noble bridged to the break and there went the race. Because As soon as they made contact with the break, I knew my gamble had screwed me. Coincidentally, their move blew the field apart.

I spent the rest of the day in the first chase group with 9 other guys; 3 of which were sitting on because they had teammates in the break. That meant only 6 of us were chasing. On the last lap, the sitters-on used their fresh legs to drill it up the biggest climb and because of my chasing efforts; I had no matches left to burn. I ended the day in 14th. Noble won and Thurlow was second. So, what we’ve established here is that Rogers can be beat (just not by me) and I’m not much of a gambler.

Devil’s Punch Bowl Haiku
I missed the damn break
Rode hard, but to no avail
I finished fourteenth

Here’s something on Willie Stewart that Johnson sent. Speaking of Willie, I worked the PossAbilities Triathalon on Sunday with him and the rest of the team. Willie had the microphone all day. That guy really knows how to work a crowd.

I must be doing something right. Ryder had a meltdown because I wouldn’t let him ride his new bike before going to school this morning. I know how he feels...

Ryder's new bike.

Are you just going to sit on my wheel or are you going to pull through?

I might have to hit this up instead of going to bike practice this Thursday.

I forgot to tell this story. A few weeks ago before an evening ride I decided I'd put my bib on in the bathroom at work instead of fumbling around in the coffee shop parking lot trying not to show everyone on Barton Road my ass. I changed at work and then put my clothes on again right over my bib. Then I walked out like normal, drove over to the coffee shop and started getting ready to ride. Standing in the parking lot, I took off my shirt, put on my heartrate monitor strap, put on a base layer, zipped up my jersey, took off my Docs, took off my pants, and then started going through my gear bag to get my road shoes. As soon as I started to put my shoes on I realized that I had forgotten to take off my underwear when I took off my pants. I probably spent at least a minute standing there all geared up with a pair of grey Haines boxer-briefs over my black PossAbilities Elite team kit before I realized what was going on. I'm not as cool as I think I am.

Things that went through my head on last Tuesday's ride.

Ryder turned three on Monday. His party at My Gym turned out to be a rager.

The Birthday March.

Cupcakes!

A gang of kids.

On Saturday morning Greg, Todd & I did Loch Leven to Angelus Oaks and then down the Santa Ana River Trail (SART) to Thomas Hunting Grounds and then back up Hwy 38. Trails don't get much better than that. Too often I forget just how good we have it here.

Afterward I went out on the road bike for another couple of hours. After riding SART, the road got so boring I was forced to do hill repeats up Rossmont. There's nothing boring about that. There's nothing easy about that either.

Saturday is Devil's Punch Bowl. Still haven't decided if I'm going Pro,1,2 or 35+. It's a difference of two laps, 30-some miles and a lot of pain and suffering.

Talk about suffering, on Sunday I have to be at the coffee shop at 4:45 AM to go work the PossAbilities Triathlon.

A guy from work is in an on-going argument with his sister. He's thinking about putting together a PowerPoint in order to get his point across to her. All family disputes should be handled that way.

Tuesday was Earth Day. I went about my business as if it were any other day. Sorry Earth. Maybe next year.

An Open Letter to Sea Otter Classic

Dear Sea Otter Classic,

For the first time in many springs I won’t visit you. I think it’s for the best. You and I, we need a break. For, it is a love-hate relationship I share with you. While I’m at your venue, I loathe you. Your fickle weather, your traffic jams, your over-priced food, your out-of-area-code parking, and your threatening timing-chip policy fill me with a disgust matched by no other. But after I’m gone and my body has recovered, my bike fixed, and my wallet restored, I easily forget the turmoil of your springtime event and yearn for my next return. Memory slips away of how you take so much and give so little. Although, because of the visual scars, I’ll not soon forget the poison oak you gave me last spring and the spring before that. Nor will I forget the bronchitis that has followed your chilled winds and icy rainstorms. Or the hours upon hours upon hours upon hours of washing and working on nearly destroyed bicycles from one day to the next. Oh Sea Otter Classic, oh Sea Otter Classic, oh Sea Otter Classic, I am finally free of you.

Sincerely,
Matt

The Great Sea Otter Classic Storm of 2006, otherwise known as Chain-suck Week.

Everything Must Go!

Trek XO1 cross bike, 54cm
In 2006, I thought, what the heck. My USAC license says Category 1 CX, I’ll try cross racing. So, I got a cross bike, modified it slightly to better handle southern California cross courses and proceeded to get my ass handed to me. And of course every time I did put a good race together I’d get a puncture. Plus, racing cross on winter weekends left me no time to do base miles so when road racing season rolled around, my endurance was slightly better than that of a life-long smoker’s. In 2007, I said nah to cross, and while I got my base miles this winter, I became bored doing it. I’m no longer cut out for 6 hour days in the “cold”. That means I’m back on the cross band wagon come this winter, which means I bought a new cross bike, which means my old bike could be yours. Besides, you’re too old to be doing 6 hour base mile rides too. Cross only takes an hour. You need this bike.

Trek Madone frame, 56cm
If you went to Interbike a few years ago, you'll remember that you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting some sort of Madone knock-off frame like this one. The funny part is, Trek only used this frame for, I think, two years before they got rid of the seat tube cut-out design. Apparently Lance didn’t like it. He can afford to be picky. You can’t. You should buy this frame.

Bontrager RaceXXXLite seat post, 27.2mm
I just happen to have two of these carbon fiber beauties and each one of them would look great on either a red Madone road frame, a gun-metal black cross bike, or whatever else you’re trying to dress up. These things are like new. I only weigh a buck forty-five on a fat day and I do most of my climbing out of the saddle, so these babies still have years of structural integrity left in them. Not only are they strong and light weight, they dampen the vibration of a rough ride. And with today’s roads, that could mean the difference between adopting and being able to conceive your own child. You can’t afford to not buy one or both of these seat posts.

Bontrager RaceXXXLite stem, 90mm
I admit, carbon fiber stems are probably a waste of money. They’re expensive and they don’t weigh much less than a good aluminum stem. But you waste money all the time. Think of all the money you’ve wasted on bling wheels, fruity drinks, movies, ex-significant others, clothes, electronics… the list goes on and on. Why stop now? Waste some money on a carbon stem. Besides, you probably don’t really care how much something costs; just as long as you look cool with it in your possession. What’s more cool than a carbon fiber stem? It sends a message. It says, “I’ve got a handle on things and it can only be handled with carbon fiber.” That’s cool. That’s Arthur Fonzarelli cool. Hey, make me an offer I can’t refuse.

I finally broke down and bought a new digital camera, which means I also broke down and bought a memory card to give it some memory. After breaking down for both of those I was too broke to buy the extended warranty, so hopefully it doesn’t break. My old digi-cam was found in the road broken after I dropped it while photographing paceline action on the fly at breakneck speed.

Speaking of broken necks, my brother-in-law, Joey has been out on the bike lately and is beginning to build fitness. If he sticks to it, based on his stocky build, I predict he’ll make great crit scum. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Saturday morning Ryder & I woke up, watched some Mickey, and then went out back to play in the backyard. Well, he mostly played while I tidied up, although we did do some chalk drawings and I let him hose off the patio. Then Denise came home from a 16 mile run (WTF?) and I met Josh & Jon Reth for a ride.

I'm not sure if we're still in a drought, but if we are, I think I know why.

Motivational chalk drawings.

Me and my compadres (above) ascended to Oak Glen. It was hot. We descended to Beaumont. It was hot and windy. We took San Timoteo Canyon back to Redlands. It was tailwindy. Good thing. I hate headwindy. It was one of my fastest trips down the canyon ever, and even though temps were in the mid 90s, I hardly broke (there’s that word again) a sweat.

On Sunday, I sweat a lot. It wasn’t any hotter; I just consumed too much tri-tip and libations on Saturday night. I suffered like a dog while Trevor, Joey & I did a miserable excuse for a ride the next morning. Afterward, I laid around the pool for the rest of the day trying to dry out and forget how terrible I felt.

It’s like the Stranger said: “Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes, well, he eats you.”

I’ve been doing a little racing. The first two mountain bike nationals, only instead of getting called up in the back row of the elites, I’ve opted to race the series in the singlespeed class. Fontana went okay, although I did plan on riding the elite race later in the day so I chose to run a sissy gear on the singlespeed. It probably cost me second or third place. I finished fourth. And I only lasted one lap in the pro race later that day. Two mountain bike races in one day is a bad idea.

Last weekend while Denise and Ryder were in Hawaii and most everyone else I know was milling around town for the Redlands Classic, I went to Arizona for round 2. I won the SuperD TT on Friday and skipped Saturday’s short track race. On Sunday in the XC race, I was beginning to check out from the rest of the singlespeeders on the first of three laps when a rock sliced the sidewall of my rear tire. The Stans wouldn’t seal it because the gash was about two inches long. I threw a tube in, but that only got me another mile. I then had to walk a good hour before I found a smooth of enough dirt road that I could ride with a flat tire. Bum deal.

Fountain Hills, where the race is at is a great place to ride, but the second half of the course is littered with so many rocks that flats are a major issue. There were people walking into the pits with double flats all weekend. What kills me is that there is plenty of unused singletrack in the area that is not rocky. They’ve used it for a national there in the past, but haven’t used it for the past two years. Instead they’d rather let the races be decided by who can keep air in their tires. That’s not mountain bike racing.

Today I’m meeting Robert Hordossy for lunch. He’s visiting from the Czech Republic. Since I’m a free born man of the U.S.A. and he’s a communist, we like to fight, so hopefully I don’t come back with a broken arm or something. He knows a lot of wrestling moves that he learned from visiting the Soviet Union and he’s twice the size of me, so the chances of me coming back injured are pretty high. He’s also a pretty good bike rider, but I wouldn’t admit that to him.

Last night at bike practice Little Tickmeyer stuck it to me again. The kid is getting faster and faster. He leaves for Europe soon so we won’t have each other to beat up on for while. Broc, Turner, & Miller will still be around though so it’s not like there won’t be anyone around to beat up on me while Little Tick is gone.

I’m tired and feel blah. This post is boring.

There’s a guy at Stell Coffee & Tea shop that’s known to some as The Lurker. He’s frequently there with his face covered by the newspaper, but when he hears an interesting conversation, he’s not afraid to drop his paper to chest level and openly ease-drop. The Lurker would make a horrible detective. Who reads the newspaper these days anyway? Once the conversation turns stale, the newspaper goes back up and his face is once again hidden.

Apparently he was a regular Fox Coffee patron until too many young ladies complained about his off-color comments and he was banned from the building. So basically the Lurker is a Coffee Shop offender. When he started hanging around Stell, he should have been required to reveal his coffee shop crimes. Shouldn’t there be a coffee shop offender online database to help prevent these types from traveling from coffee shop to coffee shop? At the very least, there should be a designated coffee shop or chain of coffee shops (like Starbucks) where coffee shop offenders can convene over a cup of joe. But don’t mix these weirdoes with the rest of us. I want to be able to enjoy conversation and a cup of coffee without having to worry about some strange social derelict knowing about my personal life. That’s what blogs are for.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder if the Lurker actually has a job or if for some odd reason he has a mysterious endless cash-flow like Jason Sager. But then I think if the Lurker had a lot of money he’d probably put down the Redlands Daily Facts and read the online version via a MacBook.

One night it occurred to me that he may have one of those jobs that you see on late night TV where you get rich cutting out newspaper clippings. That would explain his newspapers, but I’ve never seen him with scissors in hand. And thank goodness for that. Maybe he just scans the paper at Stell and then goes home to clip out his riches.

Occasionally, my fascination with the Lurker will lead my mind to wonder on to other things as I lay awake at night. For example, how in the hell can you become rich by cutting out newspaper clippings? I’ve seen the commercials and the testimonials, but they lack pertinent details on the job description. And I’m not about to order the $19.99 starter kit video that they offer because I don’t have a mysterious endless cash-flow like some people I know, and I don’t own a VHS player anymore. Maybe when the DVD comes out I’ll consider it, but until then I’ll just lay awake at night and wonder.

Speaking of clippings, both Ryder and I got our hair cut this week and that makes me think of the Lurker too. The Lurker always has a clean cut. Maybe a good job for the Lurker would be cutting hair. People make a lot small talk at barber shops and barbers read the paper while they’re in between customers. The Lurker could really cash in if he was a barber and in between cutting customer’s hair he cut newspaper clippings. He could use the same tool for two jobs. That’s kind of what the fictional character, Sweeney Todd did, right? What if in addition to cutting hair and murdering people, Sweeney Todd used his scissors to get rich by cutting newspaper clippings? That’s like the trifecta or hat-trick of using scissors.

So what have we learned here?
1. There’s a Lurker at Stell
2. Someone should create a Coffee Shop Offender online database
3. Printed newspapers aren’t completely dead. Yet.
4. Scissors are a multi-functional tool

What is still up in the air?

We still don’t know how cutting newspaper clippings can make you rich and we still don’t know much about the Lurker, but all of this rambling beats the hell out of a Bonelli XC race report.

My Garmin is Full of Bad News

It told me I spent over 90 minutes above threshold in a 2 hour and 15 minute mountain bike race. It's a wonder I'm not dead.

It can tell me all that, but it can't change itself over to daylight savings time on its own. I hate it (the Garmin, not daylight savings).

Meanwhile, there's been a James Williams sighting over at Sager's.

James reminds me of the glory days when I was fit.

I wrote a new blog a few days ago and never got around to posting it. Then Favre announced his retirement and it kind of took the wind out of my sails. At a conference in Spokane, I watched all the Sports Center coverage from a lonely hotel room.

The shame of it for me is that Favre will be to Ryder what Johnny Unitas is to me. Neither of us will ever fully realize their greatness because we were not old enough to have experienced their legendary careers. For that reason I am sad.

More Like... Of the Century

Last week I went into the credit union to open a new checking account and I discovered that my license expired on Nov. 8 of last year. I would have gladly traded all the Outside magazines I get in the mail for a license renewal notice. BTW, in case you haven't seen it yet, Jack Johnson is on the cover of Outside. Again. Anyway, so that means I have to go to the DMV, or as Dane Cook calls it, "Satan's asshole."

Right now you're saying to yourself, "I renewed my license online." Well, good for you Bill Gates. I bet you do all your Xmas shopping on online too, but since my license was more than 60 days expired, the DMV required me to show face.

The urgency of renewing my license became evident the other day when I got carded while buying beer. I played 20 questions with the clerk at Circle K before $3.13 was exchanged for a 22 ounce bottle of Newcastle.

1. Did you know your license is expired? Yes.
2. Do you have a new one? No.
3. Do you have temporary paperwork? No.
4. Have you renewed it? No.

At question # 5 I started getting the shakes.

Under normal circumstances this interrogation wouldn't have happened, but the liquor store that Ryder and I walk to on warm and sunny afternoons recently got held up. It’s been closed ever since because the clerk got shot. In the head. The good news is he's still alive but the bad news is the trigger men are still on the loose.

That's how I ended up at Circle K playing 20 Questions. Eventually a second clerk stepped in and it became a good clerk, bad clerk thing. I must have answered at least one question correctly because the good clerk eventually took my money. I walked out into the cold night with a cold beer and a cold sweat thinking, "I really need to go to the DMV."

I'm a spur of the moment kind of guy so today I drove over to the Department of Motor Vehicles. As usual, the place was jammed full of people and everyone looked pissed. Occasionally, there was joy in the building, like when a kid would come out of the testing room with less than three wrong answers on his written test.

The kid sitting next to me made an appointment to take his second written test. He failed his first one after walking an hour one-way to the DMV. This time he got a ride from his uncle and the pair had already been waiting for over an hour when I sat next to them. 10 minutes later his number got called he jumped out of his seat to (most likely) fail the test for a second time because he was more nervous and sweaty than me trying to buy beer at Circle K.

About 5 minutes later they called my number, I paid my 28 bucks, walked over to the picture line, got my mug shot, and I was outta there in less time than it takes to race a 30+ crit. It was a miracle.

Nevertheless, I don't know which is worse - going to the DMV or racing a sub-60 minute criterium. This week I’ll have the experience of doing both. There’s a CBR crit on Sunday, but at least the Pro,1,2 race is 100K. That just barely makes it worth the drive to Dominguez Hills. At least I’ll be driving out there with a valid driver’s license.

If you think this blog was boring you should try racing a 100K crit…

Prean San Ol

"Why spend your leisure bereft of pleasure
A massing treasure why scrape and save?
Why look so canny at every penny?
You'll take no money within the grave
Landlords and gentry with all their plenty
Must still go empty where e'er they're bound
So to my thinking we'd best be drinking
Our glasses clinking and round and round...

So, lads and lasses, because life passes
Come fill your glasses for another round."

-The Tossers

This Just In

Drinking tap water is not a crime.

Using all the plastic required to produce and drink bottled water is.

What the hell has Ryder been up to?

He went to see the Christmas Train in Rialto with Great Grandma Joyce and the rest of SSR (South Side Rialto).

He's been playing with his giant train table that I stayed up building until after midnight on Christmas Eve.

He soldiered on through the flu to participate in his school Christmas Program. The rest of the kids were green with envy over Ryder's argyle sweater.

He and Sala have been doing some pretty serious bonding.

And while I was out pedaling my bike, Ryder learned how to pedal his. Now, that's about all he wants to do. Sounds vaguely familiar.

Sooner or later, you knew it was coming

My goals for 2008. In bullet point form! What now Trevor?

• Get a unicycle so I can chase Ryder on his tricycle in the backyard
• Be nicer to people who don't ride bikes
• Buy a new filter for my humidifier since the current filter is moldy
• Floss the bottom row of my teeth more often
• Put together my jigsaw puzzle of dogs celebrating the 4th of July
• Drink more wine
• Watch more movies so I have a freaking idea of what everyone is talking about
• Watch more meaningful movies so everyone has no idea what I'm freaking talking about
• Learn to cut my own hair so I save 10 bucks a month
• Plant a tree
• Watch the Packers win the Super Bowl
• Go to a NFL game, but not one in Oakland, Pittsburg, Denver, Philly, San Diego, St. Louis, or New York
• Run at least once a week to build up my bone density since I'm getting old
• Ride in Moab
• Read some books that aren't about the history of punk rock
• Read more books to Ryder
• Be more consistent in my consumption of ice cream
• Learn how to spell better (not to be confused with learn how to spell the word better)
• Go to the beach and get in the ocean more than once a summer
• Stretch when I get off the bike instead of before I go to bed
• Kick more ass
• Take more names
• Send Mike my Power Tap files on a regular basis
• Do more rides on my own
• Take more pictures
• Leave more footprints
• Make more lists

Surprise, Surprise

Kelly Slater is on the cover of the February issue of Outside Magazine. Again.

Now that just leaves Lance Armstrong, Laird Hamilton, Jack Johnson, Ed Viesturs, Ben Harper & Eddy Vedder for months March thru December. I wonder in what order?

And I wonder which issue will claim Tucson as a great place to live? Again.

Give me a break.

I got this text

It said: "Are you still alive?"

I replied: "No, I'm not still alive. I'm texting you from the afterlife. The group rides here are phenomenal."

And now the sender of this text is mad because, I was a smartass when answering a concerned question. I told this person that he'd know if I was dead because I've willed him what's left of my collection of stems. Unfortunately my collection of stems ain't what it used to be because I've already given most of them to this person. The irony.

I wonder what kind of comment this person will leave?

Meanwhile at the Orange Show Race Track

We did a little time trial testing. I did a little riding and a little forgetting my TT helmet and Max Performance Mike did a little filming. After a warm-up, 40 hot laps, & a cool down, here's what we came up with:

I have good knee angle.

My hip is open correctly.

My position just sucks. I've seen flatter backs in a retirement home.

Mike says I need to rotate my pelvis to flatten my back and get my glutes more involved. As is, my crappy position is causing me to loose up to 25% of my power. It's bad enough that my horrible hip flexability prevents me from doing the splits on the balance beam and during my floor routine.

How Trish Saved Christmas

Compact Discs
Floor Pump
Gift Cards
Black Vest

These are some of the gifts given to me on Christmas, although two days before the holiday I nearly froze to death and almost didn’t get to give or receive a damn thing.

I believe that there is no suffering worse than the suffering from being cold so I checked Weather.com a day before meeting Tom Gardner in Joshua Tree. The Web site said ‘50s with winds 5-10 mph. I know some of you reading this are probably thinking, “You should have gone to WeatherUnderground.com.” And I say, why - so I have to waste 11 more keystrokes before finding out that the weather in JTree will be 55 with winds 8-11 mph? Do people actually go to WeatherUnderground.com because of its “underground” label and because they believe they’re getting some sort of insider information that the guys over at Weather.com aren’t privy to, or because WeatherUnderground.com actually has more precise climate info? I seriously doubt it’s the latter. I should start WeatherInsider.com or WeatherElite.com and see if “insider” and “elite” can outdo the nauseous popularity of “underground.”

Speaking of underground, Trevor has nothing to do with this story because while I was checking the weather, he was driving to Hollywood to hang out at a goth club. Now that’s underground.

Anyway, Weather.com says ‘50s with 5-10 mph. I can do that, so Eric, Joy, and I get up early drive to JTree and meet Tom and Blair at the visitor’s center. We were rolling by 10:00. The thing about JTree is that there is only water on the outskirts of the park, which is why we rode from the Yucca Valley/Joshua Tree entrance to Cottonwood, which is about 60 miles away near Interstate 10.

Now, as far as I can tell, here’s where I screwed myself on this Weather.com thing. The wind in Joshua Tree said 5-10 mph, but when you get on the other side of the national park and 60 miles away from the town of Joshua Tree, things can be drastically different. Things like the wind. I’ll try not to make this story any more long-winded (pun intended) than it needs to be, but the onset of Joy’s nagging stomach issue and strong wind made things slow-going. Things weren’t only windy and slow-going, but as the sun started to drop, things got cold. And when things get dark and cold, I get testy.

I hadn’t bothered to check the night temps on Weather.com or WeatherUndgergound.com because I hadn’t planned on going for a night ride.

No cell phone service. No lights. Little water and less food.

Remember the Saturday Night Live where Will Ferrell plays the character Terence Maddox and he can’t afford to buy his hepatitis medicine because he can’t sell his blood and he can’t sell his blood because he has hepatitis? Well, that’s kind of what happened to us, only Terence Maddox is much more funny than we are. We couldn’t ride fast to stay warm because Joy had stomach problems and we couldn’t ride slow because we were running out of daylight and it was getting colder.

We rode in the dark by moonlight until almost 6:00 when an angel driving a Ford F350 picked us up. It was Tom’s wife, Trish and that's how she saved Christmas.

The moral of the story? All the weather-related Web sites in the world will do you no good if you can’t afford to buy your hepatitis medicine because you can’t sell your blood and you can’t sell your blood because you have hepatitis. Or something like that.

Some Best & Worst of 2007

Best Ryder story: Towing him around at crit on Thursday nights. The actual act of towing the trailer at speed actually kind of sucks. It’ s like pulling a 50 pound parachute, but he loves it and he especially loves it when he gets to yell “Go Bikes!” as we get lapped.

Second best Ryder story: Taking him on It’s a Small World at Disneyland. I don’t know if I’ve ever witnessed more joy in his face. He’s ridden it an additional three times since then. Too bad the fatties are shutting down for a year.

Worst Ryder story: Leaving him at pre-school on his first day. It was going so well until we started to walk away.

Best mountain bike race: Firestone Walker, Santa Ynez NMBS – 4th Pro/Semi-pro Single-speed. I don’t consider fourth or fifth place a podium position because mountain bike racing is the only nancy-boy sport in the world that allows the third and fourth losers to share the limelight. Although, I did accept the giant Firestone Walker brewery mug for my efforts.

Worst mountain bike race: See 12-Hours of Temecula.

Best road race: CA State Championship – 5th, 30+. I initiated the break early in the race, but because I can’t sprint worth a damn, I only won enough money to buy lunch and drive home.

Worst road race: See Everest Challenge.

Best attempt at winning Everest Challenge: Even though the race ascends almost 30,000 feet in only two days, and even though I had never seen the race’s climbs, from the gun I went out hard and marked past Everest Challenge winners.

Worst attempt at winning Everest Challenge: Even though the race ascends almost 30,000 feet in only two days, and even though I had never seen the race’s climbs, from the gun I went out hard and marked past Everest Challenge winners. A smarter idea would have been to do a recon mission of the course, start conservative come race day, and actually put in the training required for an event of that magnitude.

Best attempt at winning the 12 Hours of Temecula: Even though my only prior attempt at winning the solo division in a 12-hour race ended early with heat exhaustion, from the gun I went out hard and fast and led for a while.

Worst attempt at winning the 12 Hours of Temecula: Even though my only prior attempt at winning the solo division in a 12-hour race ended early with heat exhaustion, from the gun I went out hard and fast and led for a while. A smarter idea would have been to go out slow and easy. It is a 12 hour race after all. What’s the hurry?

Best show: The Tossers, who played second fiddle to the Street Dogs at the Galaxy Theater. As expected, rad.

Worst show: The Street Dogs, who headlined the Tossers show at the Galaxy Theater. Brand new denim and Docs? Lame and so not punk rock.

Best drum solo: The dude with his drum set situated at the highest point of the Mt. Snow, VT race course. It’s a lot harder to keep up with the beat when you’re riding a single-speed, but nevertheless, it’s a very cool sound as it echoes through the forest.

Worst drum solo: The slow menacing drum beat I heard in my head as I was marched down the hallway and out the front door of K&N. Dead man walking.

Best place for a feed: On the road leading to Bishop’s South Lake as my mom hung out the window and did her best Johan to hand me much needed food and clothing.

Worst place for a feed: At the National Mountain Bike Series Finals in Snowmass, CO, it required a helicopter, a chairlift, or a week of travel to locate and then arrive at the feed station. Everything related to the NMBS is “behind the scenes,” including the spectators.

Worst short-track: NOVA’s twilight STX in Fountain Hills. Pavement and a rock-laden vacant lot with hairpin turns. Serious?

Best short-track: Mt. Snow STX, which I watched three sheets to the wind. I made a trip to win a Nat’l Single-speed XC Championship, and since that didn’t happen I turned to multiple bottles of Vermont’s finest. But what better way to watch a short track race?

Best crash: My text book low-side during the NOVA Super-D. It was a graceful and smooth slide that would have made Kenny Roberts proud.

Worst crash: Josh Bunz’s violent high-side at Raincross. Too ugly for words.

Here's to no crashes in 2008.

That's that.

The beautiful mistake that was the 12 Hours of Temecula.

I Feel Like Henry Hill

You know that scene in Goodfellas where Ray Liotta’s character has a busy day? That’s my life. Every day.

“I had a busy day. I had to drop guns off at Jimmy's to match some silencers he had. I had to pick up my brother at the hospital and pick up some stuff for Lois to fly down to some customers in Atlanta…

My Pittsburgh guys always wanted guns. Since I would see them in the afternoon I was pretty sure I'd get my money back…

My plan was to drop off my brother at the house and pick up Karen…

I was cooking dinner. I had to start braising the beef and veal shanks for the tomato sauce. It was Michael's favorite. I was making ziti with gravy, roasted peppers, string beans with olive oil, and beautiful cutlets that were cut just right that I was going to fry up as an appetizer. So I was home for about an hour. My plan was to start dinner early so I could unload the guns Jimmy didn't want. Then get the package for Lois to take to Atlanta later that night…

I asked my brother to watch the sauce and Karen and I started out…

I had to get home and get the package ready for Lois to take on her trip. I also had to get to Sandy's to give the package a whack with quinine. And I knew Sandy would get on my ass. I had cooking to finish, and I had to get Lois ready for her trip…

I got home and started cooking. I had a few hours before Lois' flight. I told my brother to watch the stove. All day long the poor guy's been watching helicopters and
tomato sauce. I had to drive over to Sandy's, mix the stuff, then get back to
the gravy…”

This is my life, only instead of guns and cocaine, its bikes, Accelerade, appointments, house chores, work, and family. As far as I know, you can’t get into the witness protection program for any of that. Something needs to get whacked. Maybe the house chores…

Ryder and Destry Do Disneyland

"You are forgiven for your sins. Bless you my son," says the mouse.

They rode It's a Small World three times. "What do you mean the boats are bottoming out?" says Ryder.

"Psssst. Ryder, act like you're asleep when we get home and we won't have to help unload the car. I learned that from my mommy and it works like a charm every time."

The lights are about to go out on Small World.

I’ve never really liked Temecula

When I was a kid we’d occasionally play soccer teams from Temecula and youthful ignorance made me believe that they were all rich kids so I hated them and the town they came from. Coincidentally, I also hated Grand Terrace for the same reason. Plus, its name sounded so elitist. As an adult I discovered that Grand Terrace is neither grand, nor is it much of a terrace and the kids there aren’t much different than the kids in Rialto. However, after calling it home for five years, I can now say that GT (as the locals call it) is not a bad place. Temecula, on the other hand is a bad place. I tore my ACL in Temecula, I was issued a speeding ticket in Temecula, I was stung by a bee in Temecula, and last Saturday I soloed the 12-Hours of Temecula mountain bike race (10-Hours of Temecula, actually). It was, and I still am miserable.


Cramps, stomach issues, and then getting passed by girls – they all played a part in my demise.


Afterward, it was pointed out by some that my diet, nutrition, and preparation for the event were sub-par. They mocked me. And you know what? They’re right. It’s time to get this situation under control. Dedication, hard work, the ability to suffer, and left-over teenage angst can only take you so far for so long in this world. I need to either tap into some previously undiscovered raw talent or start reading some supplements labels because this fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants stuff just won’t fly.


It’s all got me very worked up. I need a drink.


I can’t blame my bike. For 10 hours it (and the fine mechanical skills of Ben Parks) kept me doing laps.

Although, riding one of these would have been nice. Johnson's Superfly has arrived.

My body felt like I was riding one of these.

On subsequent days, I rode one of these.

Yada, yada, yada, the writers are on strike

The new adventures of old Elane

It’s an XXXL World

I told you so. All the fat kids running around (I mean, sitting around) have forced Disneyland to shut down It’s a Small World in order to bring in larger boats and a deeper water-way. Obese adolescents and their parents too, are too heavy for the ride, so Ryder’s favorite Magic Kingdom attraction will be closed down for a year during renovations. So, not only do I have to pay taxes for their health care, but now my kid can’t ride his favorite ride because much of America looks like Dumbo? I guess large is in charge.

How long before they sink a Jungle Cruise?


Malls? Rats!

The news is that over the holiday season, Al qaeda may be targeting southern California malls and shopping centers. This is horrible news. They can do what they want to our outdoor shopping centers, but hasn’t the SoCal indoor mall already suffered enough? My generation and probably the generation before were raised inside indoor malls and now that they are an endangered species, these people want to blow up the few still standing? What in the hell is wrong with these people? I know what some of you are thinking; ‘Go ahead, blow up the Carousel Mall. It’s nothing but an indoor swap meet now.’ Wrong! The indoor mall will rise again! One day we will smell the sweet scent of the Orange Julius and Mrs. Fields Cookies. We will buy our turtlenecks and refrigerators from J.C. Penny and Montgomery Wards and not from Target and Home Depot. Our music will come from Sam Goody, our candy from See’s, and our hosiery from Harris’. We will once again buy our sneakers from a man dressed as a referee. The indoor mall will rise again! We must protect them.


I'm Not on Strike

Since the sntertainment writers are on strike, I’m going to write a great Saturday Night Live skit, cross the picket line, and go from minor celebrity to major celebrity. Here’s a summary of my skit. This kid, (we’ll call him Matt) is sitting in his room with his friend (we’ll call him Nathan) and they’re looking through their football cards. Just before they are going to trade a 1985 Refrigerator Perry and a 1983 Lyle Alzado (R.I.P.), OJ Simpson and his goons bust in like the Kool Aid Man and demand that Nathan hand over his 1970 OJ rookie card, or at least trade it for a 1975 Al Cowlings. Instead of giving in, Matt and Nathan tell the Juice to get lost unless. The Juice offers to throw in an ‘87 Brian Bosworth and an ’85 Phil McConkey and then a heated barter ensues between the acquitted murder and the two boys. Just when it’s about to come to a head, OJ catches sight of an old USC football helmet in the corner of the bedroom and claims that it once belonged to him. As Matt and Nathan try to keep it away from the Juice, the broken NFL hero grabs it, and begins to put it over his head, but the maroon helmet doesn’t fit. With the helmet stuck halfway over his head, the Juice looks into the camera and says, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Halloween has come and gone. Now go ride your bike!

Ryder's obsession with trains carried over into Halloween. He went Happy Halloweening as a train conductor and Alex went as a pirate. Destry was Mickey Mouse. They all got lots of candy.

Speaking of Candy...

The average person loses 13 lbs. their first year of commuting by bike.

Just three hours of bicycling per week can reduce your risk of heart disease and stroke by 50%.

A 140-pound cyclist burns 508 calories while pedaling 14 miles in an hour.

The U.S. could save 462 million gallons of gasoline a year by increasing cycling from 1% to 1.5% of all trips.

Each U.S. rush-hour auto commuter spends and average of 50 hours a year stuck in traffic.

In 2003, cars stalled in traffic wasted 5 million gallons of fuel.

In 1964, 50% of kids rode to school and the obesity rate was 12%... in 2004, 3% rode to school and the obesity rate was 45%.

Between 1960 and today the average weight of a 6-11 year old has increased 11 pounds.

60% of the pollution created by automobile emissions happens in the first few minutes of operation, before pollution control devices can work effectively.

25% of all trips are made within a mile of the home, 40% of all trips are within two miles of the home, and 50% of the working population commutes five miles or less to work.

I'm just the messenger. All of this is from 1world2wheels.org

The Pogues, Into the Wild & Red Asphalt

Saw the Pogues show at House of Blues (HOB) Anaheim on Sunday night. It was pretty cool to be down on the floor so close to one of my life heroes, although last year's show at the Wilturn was better. The HOB is already small and it seemed like they over-sold the show. It was definately the most crowded HOB show I've ever been to. Before we went, I had entertained the idea of buying a ticket for tonight's show at the Wiltern, but after getting home at 2 a.m. on Monday morning, I couldn't bare the thought of staying out late twice in one week. Not even for Shane, who by the way looked excellant. It looks like he's lost weight. The funniest part of the night was when the crowd was waiting for the Pogues to come on stage; a roadie brought out a stool and set it center stage and the crowd gasped, assuming Shane was too wasted or feeble to stand on his own. As it turns out, the stool was for Shane to set his drinks. Icon.

Saw Into the Wild on Saturday night. Heavy. A sidenote to the story of Chris McCandless, is that it's hard to believe the same guy who played Jeff Spicolio and was married to Madonna is making movies like this. Good work and a good intreptation of the book. Anyway, the movie was rad. The book is even more rad. I liken it to a modern day Catcher in the Rye and think all men, young and old should read it (or listen on audiobook). And their women should too. It explains a lot.

I just found out that the Tossers played the Wiltern last Friday night. Sonofbitch. They'll be back in December. Thanks God.


The first Friday of every month is the Red Asphalt Ride. This month the turn-out was between 30 and 40.

We ride all over town, like through the parking lot of Target at Citrus Plaza.

And then we go over to City Hall and do a crit in the undrerground parking lot.

There are all kinds of bikes. Mountain bikes, road bikes, commuters bikes, beach cruisers, singlespeeds and of course, fixxies.

Every month's ride has a theme and since November is national mustache month, then why not? Here is the judging of the femme mustaches at the Redlands Bowl. The chick with the mohawk won. She made her own mustache with hair from her freshly shaved head. Rad.


Trevor won the mustache contest for the dudes, although Steve was a close second. I wasn't elgible because I didn't start growing mine until a week prior. Everyone else started at the beginning of October. Anyway, I went with a John Waters stache. Not rad. Creepy. Photos to come.


After the ride we went to the Vault, spread the good bicycle word and had a few drinks. Next month's theme is Christmas. With any luck at all, we'll have 50 people dressed in Santa suits riding around Redlands and a lot of toys for our toy drive.